The Newest Staff Member

It was now September of 2006, and school was in full swing. Along with keeping up with my other volunteer responsibilities at the church I was now in school and helping to facilitate the classes. I was now spending so many hours at the church that my husband was beginning to complain about never seeing me. At this point, I had been attending that church for two years and the only service I had ever missed was when I was in Trinidad and Tobago.
Around that time I was also feeling this burning desire to be launched into ministry. I knew that somehow, just around the corner a ministry opportunity was there for me and I could not wait to see what it was. Little did I know how very difficult full-time ministry really was. There is a huge difference between being a volunteer and being the leader, especially in this church.
In October of 2006 the unthinkable happened. Scandal struck our church and the current worship leader and youth pastor was fired from his position and suddenly, without warning, the task of leading worship for the congregation fell to me. This is where the real journey of spiritual abuse began.
The first few months were awful, difficult, and filled with strife. There were constant battles to be dealt with because of my lack of experience, my lack of actual piano training and people did not accept my transition from volunteer to staff very well at all. One moment, I was just one of the group and the next I was the person who everyone relied on to “make it happen”.
One of my major problems was that I struggled with faster paced songs. I didn’t have a guitarist to cover up my lack of skill to carry the kind of fast paced praise songs that the Pastor was demanding. So I spent hours upon hours playing songs along with the CD’s so that I could master the rhythm needed to successfully carry the song as the lead instrument. In those early days of ministry, it was not uncommon for me to spend at least 8 hours playing the same song over and over. I was dedicated to succeeding. The constant rebukes and whispers that went on behind my back that said that I couldn’t do it only fueled my desire to prove them wrong.
Four months into my new position as Worship leader, the Pastor delivered a devastating blow. He sat me down and told me that I was not making enough progress in the faster paced songs so he was going to have an old worship leader, who had resigned just the year before, play the praise songs for me. He very plainly told me that despite the long hours of practicing that he knew that I was doing, he did not think that I was capable of ever playing those songs. He believed it was beyond my ability.
Later that week, I tried to resign but somehow he convinced me to stay. He praised me for my ability to lead the people in worship but continued to insist that fast paced songs were beyond my ability. He praised me for my obvious progress and skill at leading worship then followed it with a statement of amazement that I had made it this far. He never believed that I would have lasted this long. He told me it was his wife who believed in me and thought I would be a great worship leader one day, but he never saw those qualities in me. He thought I was a good leader behind the microphone, but not from the keyboard and it was ok to admit defeat and my lack of skill on my instrument of choice. Then he graciously allowed and encouraged me stay on as staff because he now saw some potential in me despite my lack of skill. I suddenly felt so grateful that I was given the opportunity to be on his staff. I felt so unworthy to be there as a staff member that I again was crying in that office.
I left that office even more determined to succeed at those faster paced praise songs. I was grateful that I still had my job but I failed to realize in that moment that I had just been masterly manipulated. Telling me that I couldn’t do something was the exact button to push to make me prove that I could. The manipulation may have worked but manipulating people is not godly. Manipulation is never love.