June of 2008 was a month of sweet relief. Graduation. It marked the end of my school journey where I had done what no other in my class had done. I had done the work of the ministry and gone to Bible School. I ended up graduating only one tenth shy of the valedictorian and boy, was I glad for that one tenth. I was proud of my accomplishment but the church had invited key people to speak at the graduation and I had the task of making sure that the music was perfect and I only was able to play during half of it. I couldn’t have been valedictorian and do all that I was already doing.
When my mom was told of my one tenth deficit she was actually a little miffed that I hadn’t been recognized for my accomplishment. At that point, I could have cared less. I was just glad to be done.
Bible School had been incredibly tough on me. I had facilitated the classes faithfully and because of it I had been yelled at, abused, and had rumors spread about me by angry students. All of this was because as the facilitator I was required to enforce the rules. My position as Class Facilitator threatened the delicate balance of my position as Worship Pastor on a continuous basis. I was not liked.
What did not help that position was the constant indoctrination of beliefs from the leadership that I should keep myself set apart from my team and from the congregation. The leadership firmly believed that in order to be a good leader, that leader was not friends with whom they led. They believed that the minute that a leader became friends with members of the congregation that is the minute that the respect for the position and respect for the leader was lost. I was constantly being questioned and cautioned about my relationships with those upon my team. The senior pastor particularly did not like me having friendships with people in or outside of the church. I was even questioned about my friends on my facebook page. Some of those people, particularly those who had left the church, I was asked to delete and not have contact with. Slowly, I was being isolated from everyone else except them.
I was alone.
Domestic violence begins in the removal of friends and family in order to facilitate control over the victim. This is the same tact. It gave more control to them over you. I am surprised they didn't try to break up your marriage.
ReplyDeleteOh, they did try and break up my marriage....that came later on, down the road. The pastor actually tried to get me to move in with him and his wife, claiming my husband and I were unequally yoked. Plus there was some sexual harassment thrown in there....But the systematic pushing towards breaking my marriage apart didn't really happen until the next year. Then it was apparent. The sexual harassment began shortly after coming on staff, but started becoming more apparent in 2008, and came out strongly in 2009. He actually tried to seduce me into his bedroom while on a mission trip in 2009 and had switched the host homes, literally last minute, so we would be alone together.
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