For those of you who want to start at the beginning and work your way through to the end here's a tip:
Click on the Archives in April and start at the post "In the Beginning". That is the start of my story and then just follow it through until the last post.
http://myjourneyfromspiritualabuse.blogspot.com/2011/04/in-beginning.html
I have to warn you though...my blog is not for everyone. Those who are religious and think it is sacrilege to speak out against injustice, just because it was my Pastors who did it, do not seem to like what I have to say. I read something recently and I have a response for those who seem to be offended by my candidness of what happened to me. It goes something like this: "we have been taught for so long against offence that we no longer get offended at injustice".
In the past, I have had to remind, even good Christian people, that pregnancy discrimination is illegal. I have had to point out that manipulation is not godly, nor is it love. I have had to point out that the employment practices that were practised by my old church were unethical, at best. If these things had happened to me while working in a secular environment, I would have had a crowd of supporters behind me. Instead, because it was my church leaders instead of the "evil, sinful, boss-man" of the secular world, I am labelled by some as a gossiper, or one who sows discord among the brethren.
Maybe I'm actually trying to unify the brethren and spare more people from the pains of spiritual abuse. Abuse is never good and it is only God who can take something awful and turn it around for good. In my experience though, things only change when we allow God to change them. Covering our eyes, like five year old children and thinking no one can see the abuse if we just imagine hard enough is pure foolishness. Whenever God makes a change in us, we have to acknowledge the existence of what God wants to remove first. It is only then that God begins the miraculous transformation as we allow Him access into our lives. It always starts with two things: acknowledging the problem, and acknowledging that we need God's help to fix it.
Spiritual Abuse is a problem in today's church and the solution starts with acknowledging that there is a problem. The good thing is God always has the solution and that only requires love and obedience.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Is Your Church Free from Cultic Tendencies?
This next list is a list I found on http://www.apologeticsindex.org under the title “Is Your Church Free from Cultic Tendencies?”
The tendency of most individuals, when confronted with a checklist that they have an objection to its overall content, is to immediately dismiss the relevancy of each point without even pausing to consider the possible validity of each statement. I am going to personally highlight some of the statements that I have personally seen in operation at various churches that I have attended. The purpose of my highlighting these is not to expose a singular church and their transgressions but to cause you, the reader, to pause and consider the possibility of this statement as a reflection of your own church. Take honest stock of your church and judge for yourself.
1. Is your pastor fully accountable to a board of elders, presbyters, etc? (Do they live in the same city and have constant interaction with the congregation?)
2. Is loyalty to Jesus and to one's own calling placed before loyalty to pastor and church?
3. Does your pastor encourage questions and suggestions? Is he approachable?
4. Does your pastor give equal attention to all kinds of people in his congregation? (Are there clear favourites within the church, those who are wealthy, who tithe large amounts, or do large amounts of volunteer work?)
5. Does your pastor readily admit his errors?
6. Does your pastor avoid boasting or hinting at a "special anointing"? (Does he call himself a prophet, or an apostle or require the congregation to use a title when addressing him?)
7. Is your pastor truly humble? (Does he boast about not allowing sickness, or worry, or depression to get him down?) (Kenneth Hagin commonly boasted about never even having a headache)
8. Are the sermons based on clear Biblical truths, not on "original revelations" or ax-grinding? (Do other denominational groups agree and use the same teachings? Is your churches doctrines often thought of as heretical?)
9. Does your church interact with other churches?
10. Does your church staff avoid secrecy?
11. Is power shared in your church (rather than preempted by a hierarchy)? (Does your church have "The anointing flows from the head down" mentality? Are teachings that admonish the congregation to "honor their pastors and they will be blessed" frequently taught. Example John Bevere's teachings Pastoral Authority, Kenneth Copeland's book and teaching on Honor.)
12. Does your church see itself as just one organ of the Body of Christ, and not the main one? (Do your leaders refer to other churches or denominations as misinformed or lacking crucial understandings to live victoriously in Christ. Does your church have a "We are not like the church down the street" type mentality?)
13. Is your church truly friendly? (not just on the surface? Are the homeless, poor and needy welcomed in your church and do they come back and become part of the congregation? What about minorities?)
14. Does your church emphasize ministry to people rather than church programs? (Are they community or inwardly minded?)
15. Are especially needy people cared for lovingly in your church?
16. Are church members encouraged and loved even when they leave? ********
17. Are relationships with former members encouraged or allowed? ********
18. Do the pastor and congregation avoid attacking and using as object lessons, former members or those who disagree? ********
19. Are families encouraged to stay together and spend time together? (Is spending time as a family more important than being at the church every time the doors open?)
20. Does your family worship Sunday service include children, at least for part of the service?
21. Are you encouraged in your own calling?
22. Are pleas for money rare and unemotional? (Is guilt used during the tithe and offering speech such as "I never come into God's house without an offering to bring Him"?)
23. Are your children happy to attend church?
24. Are you happy to bring unsaved friends to your church? (Are people, such as homosexuals, conveniently preached at when they visit your church?)
25. Is there a diversity of classes, races, dress styles, ages, and occupations in your church?
26. Are people encouraged to hear from God for themselves?
27. Is there a single behavior standard for all people in the church? (Is everyone expected to be happy and blessed and have it all together? "To blessed to be stressed")
28. Are all types of people considered welcome at your church? (Are troublesome teens, minorities or those with behavioural issues loved and welcomed in your church?)
29. Is the joy of the Lord present in your church?
30. Are you free from fear in your church? (Do you feel free from the condemnation of others if you admit a failing in your life?)
31. Do you think more about God and Jesus than you do about your pastor and church? (Are you more concerned with what your Pastors would think than what God thinks?)
32. Does your pastor include himself in any calls for repentance and forgiveness? ********************************************************************************************
33. Are you clear that the pastors and elders never exaggerate or lie to make themselves look good?
34. Is your group encouraging of each other and free from gossip and rumoring?
35. Is there a humility of doctrine that points to the grace of God and His mercy for sinners? (Do you feel the need to be perfect or perform in your church?)
36. Are you encouraged to serve in ministries or missions outside the local body? (Are you strongly encouraged to volunteer in the church or made to feel guilty if you do not serve in church?)
The tendency of most individuals, when confronted with a checklist that they have an objection to its overall content, is to immediately dismiss the relevancy of each point without even pausing to consider the possible validity of each statement. I am going to personally highlight some of the statements that I have personally seen in operation at various churches that I have attended. The purpose of my highlighting these is not to expose a singular church and their transgressions but to cause you, the reader, to pause and consider the possibility of this statement as a reflection of your own church. Take honest stock of your church and judge for yourself.
1. Is your pastor fully accountable to a board of elders, presbyters, etc? (Do they live in the same city and have constant interaction with the congregation?)
2. Is loyalty to Jesus and to one's own calling placed before loyalty to pastor and church?
3. Does your pastor encourage questions and suggestions? Is he approachable?
4. Does your pastor give equal attention to all kinds of people in his congregation? (Are there clear favourites within the church, those who are wealthy, who tithe large amounts, or do large amounts of volunteer work?)
5. Does your pastor readily admit his errors?
6. Does your pastor avoid boasting or hinting at a "special anointing"? (Does he call himself a prophet, or an apostle or require the congregation to use a title when addressing him?)
7. Is your pastor truly humble? (Does he boast about not allowing sickness, or worry, or depression to get him down?) (Kenneth Hagin commonly boasted about never even having a headache)
8. Are the sermons based on clear Biblical truths, not on "original revelations" or ax-grinding? (Do other denominational groups agree and use the same teachings? Is your churches doctrines often thought of as heretical?)
9. Does your church interact with other churches?
10. Does your church staff avoid secrecy?
11. Is power shared in your church (rather than preempted by a hierarchy)? (Does your church have "The anointing flows from the head down" mentality? Are teachings that admonish the congregation to "honor their pastors and they will be blessed" frequently taught. Example John Bevere's teachings Pastoral Authority, Kenneth Copeland's book and teaching on Honor.)
12. Does your church see itself as just one organ of the Body of Christ, and not the main one? (Do your leaders refer to other churches or denominations as misinformed or lacking crucial understandings to live victoriously in Christ. Does your church have a "We are not like the church down the street" type mentality?)
13. Is your church truly friendly? (not just on the surface? Are the homeless, poor and needy welcomed in your church and do they come back and become part of the congregation? What about minorities?)
14. Does your church emphasize ministry to people rather than church programs? (Are they community or inwardly minded?)
15. Are especially needy people cared for lovingly in your church?
16. Are church members encouraged and loved even when they leave? ********
17. Are relationships with former members encouraged or allowed? ********
18. Do the pastor and congregation avoid attacking and using as object lessons, former members or those who disagree? ********
19. Are families encouraged to stay together and spend time together? (Is spending time as a family more important than being at the church every time the doors open?)
20. Does your family worship Sunday service include children, at least for part of the service?
21. Are you encouraged in your own calling?
22. Are pleas for money rare and unemotional? (Is guilt used during the tithe and offering speech such as "I never come into God's house without an offering to bring Him"?)
23. Are your children happy to attend church?
24. Are you happy to bring unsaved friends to your church? (Are people, such as homosexuals, conveniently preached at when they visit your church?)
25. Is there a diversity of classes, races, dress styles, ages, and occupations in your church?
26. Are people encouraged to hear from God for themselves?
27. Is there a single behavior standard for all people in the church? (Is everyone expected to be happy and blessed and have it all together? "To blessed to be stressed")
28. Are all types of people considered welcome at your church? (Are troublesome teens, minorities or those with behavioural issues loved and welcomed in your church?)
29. Is the joy of the Lord present in your church?
30. Are you free from fear in your church? (Do you feel free from the condemnation of others if you admit a failing in your life?)
31. Do you think more about God and Jesus than you do about your pastor and church? (Are you more concerned with what your Pastors would think than what God thinks?)
32. Does your pastor include himself in any calls for repentance and forgiveness? ********************************************************************************************
33. Are you clear that the pastors and elders never exaggerate or lie to make themselves look good?
34. Is your group encouraging of each other and free from gossip and rumoring?
35. Is there a humility of doctrine that points to the grace of God and His mercy for sinners? (Do you feel the need to be perfect or perform in your church?)
36. Are you encouraged to serve in ministries or missions outside the local body? (Are you strongly encouraged to volunteer in the church or made to feel guilty if you do not serve in church?)
Epilogue
Since leaving the church, it has come to my attention that many people, past friends and acquaintances of mine, were strongly encouraged not to have contact with me. Meetings were held where people were asked to divulge information about private conversations and essentially people were asked to gossip about all their dealings with me. People were also told various lies about me and there have been a few people, who have since left, who have informed me of these types of meetings that they were subjected to where I was lied about and they were asked to even speculate about my intentions.
The MO hasn’t changed. I was brought into numerous meetings, some more formal than others, while I was attending and employed on staff at my old church where I was asked to divulge personal information about people who had left the church, or even those who were still in attendance at the church but there was a problem with their behavior or attitudes. I was there for five years and the MO never changed, nor did I see any repentance for this type of required informant behavior.
If you are not aware, this type of behavior is indicative of every cult known to man. This is not a healthy type of behavior to have in God’s church.
I am going to list some lies that I have personally heard preached or insinuated, not just in the church where I was employed at, but other abusive churches as well. This list is taken from the book “Toxic Faith” written by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton.
Toxic Beliefs:
1.When tragedy strikes, true believers should have a real peace about it.
2.God’s love and favor depend on my behavior and obedience.
3.If I have real faith, God will heal me or someone I am praying for.
4.All ministers are men and women of God and can be trusted.
5.Material blessings are a sign of spiritual strength.
6.The more money I give to God, the more money he will give to me.
7.“Faith without works is dead” I can work my way into heaven. I show my faith by the many volunteer hours that I serve.
8.Problems in my life result from some particular sin.
9.I must not stop meeting other’s needs. (or volunteering in the church)
10.I must always submit to authority and my Pastors are God’s authority and I am to honor and obey them always.
The MO hasn’t changed. I was brought into numerous meetings, some more formal than others, while I was attending and employed on staff at my old church where I was asked to divulge personal information about people who had left the church, or even those who were still in attendance at the church but there was a problem with their behavior or attitudes. I was there for five years and the MO never changed, nor did I see any repentance for this type of required informant behavior.
If you are not aware, this type of behavior is indicative of every cult known to man. This is not a healthy type of behavior to have in God’s church.
I am going to list some lies that I have personally heard preached or insinuated, not just in the church where I was employed at, but other abusive churches as well. This list is taken from the book “Toxic Faith” written by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton.
Toxic Beliefs:
1.When tragedy strikes, true believers should have a real peace about it.
2.God’s love and favor depend on my behavior and obedience.
3.If I have real faith, God will heal me or someone I am praying for.
4.All ministers are men and women of God and can be trusted.
5.Material blessings are a sign of spiritual strength.
6.The more money I give to God, the more money he will give to me.
7.“Faith without works is dead” I can work my way into heaven. I show my faith by the many volunteer hours that I serve.
8.Problems in my life result from some particular sin.
9.I must not stop meeting other’s needs. (or volunteering in the church)
10.I must always submit to authority and my Pastors are God’s authority and I am to honor and obey them always.
The Confrontation
Chris and I went and cleaned out my office the next day just as we said we would. When we got there at about four o’clock, the Pastor and Associate Pastor were waiting for us and we sat down for a meeting with the two of them. During the meeting I did confront the Pastor about the rumors that he had been spreading that I was mentally unstable and crazy and he admitted to my husband and I that he had indeed been saying those things. I also confronted him about his illegal treatment of me regarding being fired if I were to have gotten pregnant and his response to that confrontation, in his exact words were, “yeah, so? So what?”
After that point there was not much to say. He handed me my last check which only amounted to just over one week’s pay. I confronted him again when I saw the amount on the check about my promised vacation pay, and his response was that my vacation pay was not transferable from year to year. I then asked him where that was in the employee handbook. This is when I really got cheeky…because after that question about the handbook, I then responded, “oh, that’s right…there isn’t an employee handbook.” By that time, I was extremely angry, but I kept myself in check and I was determined not to fly off the handle because honestly, there’s just wasn’t any point in trying to bring correction to someone who doesn’t think they are ever wrong.
There is such a vast difference between making an illegal traffic violation and practicing illegal discrimination. His arrogant and cavalier attitude about being confronted with illegal employment practices and discrimination showed me that I’d be wasting my breath to try and confront him any further.
The meeting, of course, couldn’t have ended without some type of manipulation. The Pastor tried to confront me about the gossip that I had supposedly been spreading throughout the church. He lied and said that all of my friends and teammates had been calling him throughout the day to tell him about all the awful things that I had told them. This of course wasn’t true, but I later found out through a friend who was still willing to talk to me after I left that all of my acquaintances and friends had been called, taken out for breakfast or lunch, and questioned by the Pastors about what they knew about me. They had of course come up empty in their investigations and were trying to bluff their way into making me confess to who knows what.
During the meeting the Pastor also seemed extremely upset and obsessed with the fact that I had my husband come with me to both my resignation meeting and to this final meeting. During the meeting he kept bringing up that I needed my husband at my side for protection and that I was obviously scared of him. He kept referring to my husband, not by his name, but by “your muscle.” At least four different people told me after I had left that my husband’s presence had greatly troubled him and the Pastor was convinced that I was fearful of him. I brought my husband not as protection but as a deterrent for more manipulation. Plus, I wasn’t the only one leaving the church for ethical reasons; we both were.
By the end of the meeting, we all just sat there and stared blankly at one another. All of us were unsure of what to say. What was there to say? Finally, it was the Pastor who broke the silence with his comment that he wished us all the best, but just like in family, relationships can go very wrong. He ended the meeting with this, “you are dead to me and you are asked not to come back to this church.”
At that point Chris and I got up, walked out of his office and into my own. I grabbed what little personal belongings were left and we walked out. We never went back.
After that point there was not much to say. He handed me my last check which only amounted to just over one week’s pay. I confronted him again when I saw the amount on the check about my promised vacation pay, and his response was that my vacation pay was not transferable from year to year. I then asked him where that was in the employee handbook. This is when I really got cheeky…because after that question about the handbook, I then responded, “oh, that’s right…there isn’t an employee handbook.” By that time, I was extremely angry, but I kept myself in check and I was determined not to fly off the handle because honestly, there’s just wasn’t any point in trying to bring correction to someone who doesn’t think they are ever wrong.
There is such a vast difference between making an illegal traffic violation and practicing illegal discrimination. His arrogant and cavalier attitude about being confronted with illegal employment practices and discrimination showed me that I’d be wasting my breath to try and confront him any further.
The meeting, of course, couldn’t have ended without some type of manipulation. The Pastor tried to confront me about the gossip that I had supposedly been spreading throughout the church. He lied and said that all of my friends and teammates had been calling him throughout the day to tell him about all the awful things that I had told them. This of course wasn’t true, but I later found out through a friend who was still willing to talk to me after I left that all of my acquaintances and friends had been called, taken out for breakfast or lunch, and questioned by the Pastors about what they knew about me. They had of course come up empty in their investigations and were trying to bluff their way into making me confess to who knows what.
During the meeting the Pastor also seemed extremely upset and obsessed with the fact that I had my husband come with me to both my resignation meeting and to this final meeting. During the meeting he kept bringing up that I needed my husband at my side for protection and that I was obviously scared of him. He kept referring to my husband, not by his name, but by “your muscle.” At least four different people told me after I had left that my husband’s presence had greatly troubled him and the Pastor was convinced that I was fearful of him. I brought my husband not as protection but as a deterrent for more manipulation. Plus, I wasn’t the only one leaving the church for ethical reasons; we both were.
By the end of the meeting, we all just sat there and stared blankly at one another. All of us were unsure of what to say. What was there to say? Finally, it was the Pastor who broke the silence with his comment that he wished us all the best, but just like in family, relationships can go very wrong. He ended the meeting with this, “you are dead to me and you are asked not to come back to this church.”
At that point Chris and I got up, walked out of his office and into my own. I grabbed what little personal belongings were left and we walked out. We never went back.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
My Last Day
I stood at the bottom of the stage and addressed the congregation without a microphone. I had checked my mic just before I had descended the stage only to find that my mic had already been muted. I wasn’t sure whether that was by the direction of the Pastor or if the sound tech was just being expedient about shutting things down. So from the base of the stage I addressed the people.
I never mentioned why I was leaving but I sincerely thanked them for the honor of allowing me to lead them in worship over the past three years. I blessed the church and I blessed the people with an admonition to go on in Christ and be fruitful and multiply.
Tears were running down my face as I spoke. So many of those people had become very dear to my heart and I knew I would miss them terribly. I was just as shocked as they were and I felt terrible that I couldn’t somehow soften the blow of my leaving or somehow save them from the abuses I knew many of them would endure if they stayed. I also knew that shortly, many of them would come to hate me as they were pumped full of the lies that I knew were to come.
The Pastor visibly relaxed as I stopped speaking and the Associate Pastor finally resumed his movement and picked up his Bible off of his chair. If I could have read their minds their thoughts may have been, “disaster averted, our secrets are still safe.”
I walked back to the door and joined the Pastor. I stood by the door as people filed past me either to leave or to hug my neck before going to the back to enjoy the cake. I kept reassuring the many people who expressed their concern that they were shocked by the suddenness of my departure that I would be there Wednesday to say goodbye. Many people expressed that they wanted to get me a gift and to give me a proper send off. Member after member asked me why I was leaving and I explained to each one that we were looking to move to Georgia. My Pastor stood there by my side as I spoke these assurances, never once informing me that, that day was my last day. He had purposely deceived me and the people of the church. He was setting me up to look like a liar.
By the time I reached the back most people had left and there were less than 20 people in the fellowship hall. By the time I got a chance to grab a piece of my good-bye cake the numbers had dwindled down to only those helping with the clean up. As I was taking my first bite of cake, that’s when the pastor informed me that this had been my last day and there was no need for me to attend church on Wednesday. He would have the praise team lead the worship.
I nearly choked on my cake as he then asked me to come in the next day and clean out my office. He informed me that they would be painting my office Tuesday in preparation for his wife to occupy the space.
I informed him that I wouldn’t be able to come and clean out my office until after Chris got out of work. There was no way I was going to go into the Lion’s den alone. The Pastors words and actions of that day were clear and showed his intent at further manipulation and deceit. I wasn’t going to play into his hands.
I finished my cake and made my way into my office and anyone that passed me could see I was hot with anger. I grabbed my stuff while Chris went and got the children and we left.
I never mentioned why I was leaving but I sincerely thanked them for the honor of allowing me to lead them in worship over the past three years. I blessed the church and I blessed the people with an admonition to go on in Christ and be fruitful and multiply.
Tears were running down my face as I spoke. So many of those people had become very dear to my heart and I knew I would miss them terribly. I was just as shocked as they were and I felt terrible that I couldn’t somehow soften the blow of my leaving or somehow save them from the abuses I knew many of them would endure if they stayed. I also knew that shortly, many of them would come to hate me as they were pumped full of the lies that I knew were to come.
The Pastor visibly relaxed as I stopped speaking and the Associate Pastor finally resumed his movement and picked up his Bible off of his chair. If I could have read their minds their thoughts may have been, “disaster averted, our secrets are still safe.”
I walked back to the door and joined the Pastor. I stood by the door as people filed past me either to leave or to hug my neck before going to the back to enjoy the cake. I kept reassuring the many people who expressed their concern that they were shocked by the suddenness of my departure that I would be there Wednesday to say goodbye. Many people expressed that they wanted to get me a gift and to give me a proper send off. Member after member asked me why I was leaving and I explained to each one that we were looking to move to Georgia. My Pastor stood there by my side as I spoke these assurances, never once informing me that, that day was my last day. He had purposely deceived me and the people of the church. He was setting me up to look like a liar.
By the time I reached the back most people had left and there were less than 20 people in the fellowship hall. By the time I got a chance to grab a piece of my good-bye cake the numbers had dwindled down to only those helping with the clean up. As I was taking my first bite of cake, that’s when the pastor informed me that this had been my last day and there was no need for me to attend church on Wednesday. He would have the praise team lead the worship.
I nearly choked on my cake as he then asked me to come in the next day and clean out my office. He informed me that they would be painting my office Tuesday in preparation for his wife to occupy the space.
I informed him that I wouldn’t be able to come and clean out my office until after Chris got out of work. There was no way I was going to go into the Lion’s den alone. The Pastors words and actions of that day were clear and showed his intent at further manipulation and deceit. I wasn’t going to play into his hands.
I finished my cake and made my way into my office and anyone that passed me could see I was hot with anger. I grabbed my stuff while Chris went and got the children and we left.
My Last Two Weeks - Or was it One?
After I turned in my resignation things just spiraled out of control. I was again told not to say anything to anyone in the church about my resignation. I was told that it was not my place to do so and to inform anyone would be dishonorable to him. So, I kept my resignation to myself, thinking of course, that he would let everyone know on Wednesday anyway. What was two days?
Our regular Tuesday night worship team practice came and the Pastor told the group and warned them not to discuss my leaving outside the team until the rest of the church had been told. Immediately, after the announcement two team members rushed to his side to request a conference with him. All I could see was glee on their faces and it turned my stomach. I could see that by leaving it meant greater favor and perks for those individuals who could in some way fill the vacant slot I was leaving behind. The scramble for my place of favor had begun.
After these individuals had their short meeting, I met one of them in the hallway as they were leaving his office. This person, whom I had once called a friend, couldn’t even look me in the eyes as she rushed past suddenly embarrassed that I had seen her. I knew enough about the inner workings in the church that whatever had been said behind the closed office doors hadn’t been good. I was certain that the parade of turncoats had just begun and it certainly wouldn’t stop with just one or two of my friends. It wasn’t long before the parade included every friend I had ever had while at that church, with the exception of the Youth Pastor and his wife.
Later that night, I received a shock when I saw my closest friend get called into the office. It was after that meeting that I began to see that even she was being “pulled to the dark side”.
I make a joke about it now, but the effects of manipulation are very real. The utter dependency that some people in the church have on their pastors is amazing. Abusive Pastors will knowingly manipulate people’s weaknesses and needs in order to extort from their subjects exactly what they want. In the case of my friend, turning against the Pastors meant that she would be cut off from her lifeline of financial support as she was going through a very tough time financially when all this happened to me. In retrospect, I almost don’t blame her for turning on me the way she did. To go against the Pastors would have meant that she would have lost everything, her family, financial support, her love of music, and even her identity of who she had become over the last 6 years. Losing all of that is a steep price to pay to stand with the truth rather than against injustice. Not everyone is strong enough to stand alone.
Wednesday came and went with no announcement and I was still being required to keep my resignation a secret. Friday came and I had a funeral to play for, but discovered that I had been locked out of all my church music sites so I had to write out all my music my ear and by hand. Also a large box mysteriously appeared in my office. When I asked the associate Pastor about the box he lied and said he didn’t know.
He’s a terrible liar and his face turns the color of a beet when he lies. It’s so obvious.
Sunday arrived and I managed to get through the service despite my butterflies that seemed to be churning butter within my stomach. Surely, today he would make the announcement.
It wasn’t until the very end of the service, after my closing song, as people were beginning to get up and leave that he finally made the announcement. He then invited everyone to join us for cake in the back. His whole announcement took less than two minutes and it was obvious to all that his blessings were utterly devoid of any sincerity.
As he walked to the back of the Sanctuary I walked off the stage and started to speak to the people. From the back of the room, I could see the death threats emanating from my Pastors face and the Associate Pastor paused, as if frozen, bending down to pick up his bible of his chair. Neither one moved as I spoke but I could see the tense muscles of the Associate Pastor like he was ready at any moment to tackle me and take me out if I dared to say anything derogatory. He needn’t have worried. I would have never had hurt my congregation in such a way. The Pastors may not have regarded me as a Pastor to that congregation but I knew God regarded me as a Pastor of that congregation. Woman or not, that congregation had been entrusted into my care by God. Every week, I opened the door as their faithful servant and ushered them into the presence of God.
Our regular Tuesday night worship team practice came and the Pastor told the group and warned them not to discuss my leaving outside the team until the rest of the church had been told. Immediately, after the announcement two team members rushed to his side to request a conference with him. All I could see was glee on their faces and it turned my stomach. I could see that by leaving it meant greater favor and perks for those individuals who could in some way fill the vacant slot I was leaving behind. The scramble for my place of favor had begun.
After these individuals had their short meeting, I met one of them in the hallway as they were leaving his office. This person, whom I had once called a friend, couldn’t even look me in the eyes as she rushed past suddenly embarrassed that I had seen her. I knew enough about the inner workings in the church that whatever had been said behind the closed office doors hadn’t been good. I was certain that the parade of turncoats had just begun and it certainly wouldn’t stop with just one or two of my friends. It wasn’t long before the parade included every friend I had ever had while at that church, with the exception of the Youth Pastor and his wife.
Later that night, I received a shock when I saw my closest friend get called into the office. It was after that meeting that I began to see that even she was being “pulled to the dark side”.
I make a joke about it now, but the effects of manipulation are very real. The utter dependency that some people in the church have on their pastors is amazing. Abusive Pastors will knowingly manipulate people’s weaknesses and needs in order to extort from their subjects exactly what they want. In the case of my friend, turning against the Pastors meant that she would be cut off from her lifeline of financial support as she was going through a very tough time financially when all this happened to me. In retrospect, I almost don’t blame her for turning on me the way she did. To go against the Pastors would have meant that she would have lost everything, her family, financial support, her love of music, and even her identity of who she had become over the last 6 years. Losing all of that is a steep price to pay to stand with the truth rather than against injustice. Not everyone is strong enough to stand alone.
Wednesday came and went with no announcement and I was still being required to keep my resignation a secret. Friday came and I had a funeral to play for, but discovered that I had been locked out of all my church music sites so I had to write out all my music my ear and by hand. Also a large box mysteriously appeared in my office. When I asked the associate Pastor about the box he lied and said he didn’t know.
He’s a terrible liar and his face turns the color of a beet when he lies. It’s so obvious.
Sunday arrived and I managed to get through the service despite my butterflies that seemed to be churning butter within my stomach. Surely, today he would make the announcement.
It wasn’t until the very end of the service, after my closing song, as people were beginning to get up and leave that he finally made the announcement. He then invited everyone to join us for cake in the back. His whole announcement took less than two minutes and it was obvious to all that his blessings were utterly devoid of any sincerity.
As he walked to the back of the Sanctuary I walked off the stage and started to speak to the people. From the back of the room, I could see the death threats emanating from my Pastors face and the Associate Pastor paused, as if frozen, bending down to pick up his bible of his chair. Neither one moved as I spoke but I could see the tense muscles of the Associate Pastor like he was ready at any moment to tackle me and take me out if I dared to say anything derogatory. He needn’t have worried. I would have never had hurt my congregation in such a way. The Pastors may not have regarded me as a Pastor to that congregation but I knew God regarded me as a Pastor of that congregation. Woman or not, that congregation had been entrusted into my care by God. Every week, I opened the door as their faithful servant and ushered them into the presence of God.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
My Resignation Letter
Monday, October 19, 2009
Dear Pastor _______-,
It is with a saddened heart that I turn in my resignation effective Nov. 1st 2009.
Back in August, I had mentioned that my season here at ________ was coming to a close. Recently the Lord has confirmed for me the end of this season. So I must go as the Lord has directed me.
It was by God’s direction that I came here to ________ and it’s by God’s direction that I go. I’ll always be extremely grateful of the opportunities, love, direction, comfort and support that I received from both of you and from the church. The blessings have been wonderful and the journey has been amazing. The both of you gave me opportunity where I wouldn’t have had one. I’m so grateful that you saw in me something of worth even when I doubted my own worth and the call that God has placed in me. I know that my days here at________ were ordained of the Lord.
That is why this is so difficult. Through many weeks of prayer and Godly counsel, I firmly believe that God is directing me to step out in faith and travel down a new path. The Lord has spoken to me very specifically of things that He has called me to do in the upcoming months. This decision has been the most difficult one I’ve had to make up to this point in ministry. The difficulty comes not in saying yes to the Lord, but in saying goodbye to the both of you and to my church family.
I’m confident that if God is leading me on to something new and wonderful then the same is true for all of you. God will not take from one at the expense of another. I firmly believe that God has a wonderful Praise and Worship leader just waiting in the wings that will take _________ into its next season. I pray blessings on the both of you and upon the church. I love you all and pray for God to exceedingly bless you abundantly.
I would love to continue to lead the people in worship over the next two weeks if you would allow me that honor. I leave with no regrets or ill-feelings, only with blessing in my heart. I do ask that the church allow me to have my un-paid vacation pay as I never had the opportunity to take vacation time while I was here. It would be greatly appreciated.
I really believe that your best days are yet ahead and I will continue to keep in touch.
Sincerely and gratefully,
Malinda Shepard
Dear Pastor _______-,
It is with a saddened heart that I turn in my resignation effective Nov. 1st 2009.
Back in August, I had mentioned that my season here at ________ was coming to a close. Recently the Lord has confirmed for me the end of this season. So I must go as the Lord has directed me.
It was by God’s direction that I came here to ________ and it’s by God’s direction that I go. I’ll always be extremely grateful of the opportunities, love, direction, comfort and support that I received from both of you and from the church. The blessings have been wonderful and the journey has been amazing. The both of you gave me opportunity where I wouldn’t have had one. I’m so grateful that you saw in me something of worth even when I doubted my own worth and the call that God has placed in me. I know that my days here at________ were ordained of the Lord.
That is why this is so difficult. Through many weeks of prayer and Godly counsel, I firmly believe that God is directing me to step out in faith and travel down a new path. The Lord has spoken to me very specifically of things that He has called me to do in the upcoming months. This decision has been the most difficult one I’ve had to make up to this point in ministry. The difficulty comes not in saying yes to the Lord, but in saying goodbye to the both of you and to my church family.
I’m confident that if God is leading me on to something new and wonderful then the same is true for all of you. God will not take from one at the expense of another. I firmly believe that God has a wonderful Praise and Worship leader just waiting in the wings that will take _________ into its next season. I pray blessings on the both of you and upon the church. I love you all and pray for God to exceedingly bless you abundantly.
I would love to continue to lead the people in worship over the next two weeks if you would allow me that honor. I leave with no regrets or ill-feelings, only with blessing in my heart. I do ask that the church allow me to have my un-paid vacation pay as I never had the opportunity to take vacation time while I was here. It would be greatly appreciated.
I really believe that your best days are yet ahead and I will continue to keep in touch.
Sincerely and gratefully,
Malinda Shepard
October 2009 - Coming to the end
As the craziness was unfolding I had three people inside the church, besides my husband, who I confided in, the Youth Pastor and his wife, and one of my team members. With them I would discuss the issues as they arose and ask for advice and guidance. Outside of the church, I had my parents and eventually a professional counselor who gave free counseling to Pastors. If I hadn’t have had these people in my life at that time, lifting me up in prayer and keeping my confidence I would have gone crazy like the Pastors were saying I already was.
The situation was getting so out of control that my own Pastor informed a disgruntled praise team member that he was planning on firing me and had this person as a mole on my praise team to report back information to him. This person eventually felt bad and informed me of my Pastors plan.
The craziness had to end. There were secret meetings going on with plots being hatched behind closed doors. The Pastors wife kept coming to talk to me to persuade me that all this would stop if we just would say we weren’t going to have another baby and we’d stop looking for jobs out of state. She tried numerous times to convince me that I would be back in their good graces if I would just give in to God’s plan for my life. Over and over she told me that it was not God’s will for me to have another child or to leave that church. Every time she would talk to me it was with the stipulation that I not disclose to her husband that she had discussed this with me. She was trying desperately, however misguided, to try and make everything right.
I really felt sorry for her because she really had no idea how twisted everything had become. I knew of the plots against me and I wasn’t willing to roll over and sign over control of my life to my Pastors. The choice of whether or not Chris and I had a baby was ours, not theirs. I couldn’t see any other way but to take my last paycheck and run. There was no way to salvage the relationships that I had built over the last five years no matter how desperately I wanted to keep a hold of them. Soon the tidal wave of my ministry at that church would come crashing to the shore and demolish everything in its path. I almost felt powerless to stop it.
By October, I had been discussing with my confidants the likelihood that I would take my last paycheck, mail my resignation letter the Saturday before my cruise, and then cruise my way into oblivious bliss at the aftermath in my wake, never looking back. I was thinking of tucking tail and running. I knew this was wrong, but I had lost all faith in the decency of my Pastors to the right thing and pay me for the 5 weeks of vacation time that I was owed. The cruise that I was going on was the first actual vacation that my Pastors were going to allow me to go on in the three years that I had been employed there. Every other attempt at a day off had been denied. If I had wanted vacation time, it was required of me to take a vacation between Wednesday after church and Saturday evening, but only if I was going to be fresh and reenergized for service on Sunday. (It was customary for the Pastor to preach to the congregation against “playing too hard on Saturday” because being tired on Sunday meant that you weren’t giving your best to God on Sunday.)Thankfully, my confidants convinced me despite my fears and ever increasing anxiety that no matter how I was being treated that what I was considering was wrong.
By mid October, I had had enough and God finally pulled the trigger and the gun went off, signaling to me that it was time to go. God used a wonderful counsellor, who freely gave of her time to Pastors, as the sounding shot that spurred me into action. Her advice was clear. The church and the vast majority of its members were toxic and cult-like and it was time to cut my losses, turn in my resignation, trust God to sort out my vacation pay, leave, and never look back. She advised me to cut all ties to that church and those who wanted to continue their friendship with me would, but that I should leave the choice to them.
On October 19th, I turned in my resignation.
The situation was getting so out of control that my own Pastor informed a disgruntled praise team member that he was planning on firing me and had this person as a mole on my praise team to report back information to him. This person eventually felt bad and informed me of my Pastors plan.
The craziness had to end. There were secret meetings going on with plots being hatched behind closed doors. The Pastors wife kept coming to talk to me to persuade me that all this would stop if we just would say we weren’t going to have another baby and we’d stop looking for jobs out of state. She tried numerous times to convince me that I would be back in their good graces if I would just give in to God’s plan for my life. Over and over she told me that it was not God’s will for me to have another child or to leave that church. Every time she would talk to me it was with the stipulation that I not disclose to her husband that she had discussed this with me. She was trying desperately, however misguided, to try and make everything right.
I really felt sorry for her because she really had no idea how twisted everything had become. I knew of the plots against me and I wasn’t willing to roll over and sign over control of my life to my Pastors. The choice of whether or not Chris and I had a baby was ours, not theirs. I couldn’t see any other way but to take my last paycheck and run. There was no way to salvage the relationships that I had built over the last five years no matter how desperately I wanted to keep a hold of them. Soon the tidal wave of my ministry at that church would come crashing to the shore and demolish everything in its path. I almost felt powerless to stop it.
By October, I had been discussing with my confidants the likelihood that I would take my last paycheck, mail my resignation letter the Saturday before my cruise, and then cruise my way into oblivious bliss at the aftermath in my wake, never looking back. I was thinking of tucking tail and running. I knew this was wrong, but I had lost all faith in the decency of my Pastors to the right thing and pay me for the 5 weeks of vacation time that I was owed. The cruise that I was going on was the first actual vacation that my Pastors were going to allow me to go on in the three years that I had been employed there. Every other attempt at a day off had been denied. If I had wanted vacation time, it was required of me to take a vacation between Wednesday after church and Saturday evening, but only if I was going to be fresh and reenergized for service on Sunday. (It was customary for the Pastor to preach to the congregation against “playing too hard on Saturday” because being tired on Sunday meant that you weren’t giving your best to God on Sunday.)Thankfully, my confidants convinced me despite my fears and ever increasing anxiety that no matter how I was being treated that what I was considering was wrong.
By mid October, I had had enough and God finally pulled the trigger and the gun went off, signaling to me that it was time to go. God used a wonderful counsellor, who freely gave of her time to Pastors, as the sounding shot that spurred me into action. Her advice was clear. The church and the vast majority of its members were toxic and cult-like and it was time to cut my losses, turn in my resignation, trust God to sort out my vacation pay, leave, and never look back. She advised me to cut all ties to that church and those who wanted to continue their friendship with me would, but that I should leave the choice to them.
On October 19th, I turned in my resignation.
The Gossip Aftermath - I am not Crazy!
Immediately, after the meeting the Pastor and Associate pastors got on the phone and started a search for my replacement. Within twenty minutes I had gone from much loved co-worker to replaceable. It was like I wasn’t even valued or appreciated. The Pastor’s wife was the only one, out of the three, that expressed her desire that I stay and I would be sorely missed if I left. It was like a giant switch had been flipped and I suddenly found myself outside the circle of trust but the Leadership tried to feed me the illusion that I was still within the circle.
Within days the trickle of gossip started making its way back to me. I had been forbidden to tell anyone about the possibility of me moving and I had been informed that all leadership decisions were stripped away from me since I was leaving. Whenever I made a comment about “my team”, I was quickly informed that they were not “my team” anymore and I was only leading worship. From the moment of my informal resignation I was no longer a church leader, although no one outside of head Pastors and I were allowed to know.
Soon the gossip mill really started churning out some juicy tidbits about me. I heard things like that I had never been pregnant in the first place; that I had flipped out and gone unstable when I thought I was pregnant and then found out I was not. I also heard that my miscarriage had caused some sort of post partum which caused me to unhinge mentally. Every tidbit of gossip was entwined around my possible pregnancy and some mental instability. The most interesting thing about the gossip was I hadn’t shared my pregnancy or miscarriage with anyone in the church yet almost everyone in the core group of the church knew. It wasn’t until the rumors started floating back to me that I finally shared my miscarriage with my praise team, and during that time I begged them not to discuss it outside of the praise team because of the personal, sensitive nature of my tragedy. When I shared my loss with my team, they were there for me and lifted me up in prayer.
I wasn’t long after the gossip started getting back to me that the insinuations of my “mental instability” began from the pulpit. By the end of August things were unraveling at an ever quickening pace and by the first week in September I had become the latest target for the Pastors “teaching” examples. He spent half a sermon one Sunday preaching about my PMS and how he knew when my cycle was going to start every month by how I treated people and my children.
I was mortified! It took all my power not to burst out in tears and run out of the sanctuary crying. Here I was sitting in the front row as a Pastor in that church and my Senior Pastor was preaching about how unstable I was during the time before my menstrual cycle. He went on and on about how I would burst into tears at the most harmless of statements and how tedious it was to deal with my emotional instability. All I could do was sit there and endure it. I remember pretending to be extremely absorbed in my bible, searching for some obscure passage, like I wasn’t even aware that I was being discussed openly in front of over a hundred people. By the end of the service, I was a wreck.
I managed to play the closing song and I quickly made my way off the stage and made a beeline for my office so I could finally let the tears fall like they had been threatening to do for the past hour. A few people made their way to me as I descended the stage to express their sympathies and I heard a few people say they didn’t think those statements were true of me at all. They all let me rush past as I stammered something about needing to take care of something in my office. They could see the tears welling up in my eyes and so the few that had huddled around me let me retreat to the sanctuary of my office.
When I got there I locked the door, allowed myself to cry just for a minute. I then quickly fixed my make-up, applied my fake ‘everything is alright’ smile and made my way out of my office to collect my children and make my way of escape. Go figure, Chris had chosen that Sunday to stay at home so I had to endure all of this alone. As I left the building that day, I remember feeling a stirring in my heart that I only had to make it till November 1st. If I could make it till then, November 2nd, I could turn in my resignation, leave them all high and dry, and sail away on my planned cruise and have a week where no one could contact me, a week of peace. I could leave the church and never look back.
Within days the trickle of gossip started making its way back to me. I had been forbidden to tell anyone about the possibility of me moving and I had been informed that all leadership decisions were stripped away from me since I was leaving. Whenever I made a comment about “my team”, I was quickly informed that they were not “my team” anymore and I was only leading worship. From the moment of my informal resignation I was no longer a church leader, although no one outside of head Pastors and I were allowed to know.
Soon the gossip mill really started churning out some juicy tidbits about me. I heard things like that I had never been pregnant in the first place; that I had flipped out and gone unstable when I thought I was pregnant and then found out I was not. I also heard that my miscarriage had caused some sort of post partum which caused me to unhinge mentally. Every tidbit of gossip was entwined around my possible pregnancy and some mental instability. The most interesting thing about the gossip was I hadn’t shared my pregnancy or miscarriage with anyone in the church yet almost everyone in the core group of the church knew. It wasn’t until the rumors started floating back to me that I finally shared my miscarriage with my praise team, and during that time I begged them not to discuss it outside of the praise team because of the personal, sensitive nature of my tragedy. When I shared my loss with my team, they were there for me and lifted me up in prayer.
I wasn’t long after the gossip started getting back to me that the insinuations of my “mental instability” began from the pulpit. By the end of August things were unraveling at an ever quickening pace and by the first week in September I had become the latest target for the Pastors “teaching” examples. He spent half a sermon one Sunday preaching about my PMS and how he knew when my cycle was going to start every month by how I treated people and my children.
I was mortified! It took all my power not to burst out in tears and run out of the sanctuary crying. Here I was sitting in the front row as a Pastor in that church and my Senior Pastor was preaching about how unstable I was during the time before my menstrual cycle. He went on and on about how I would burst into tears at the most harmless of statements and how tedious it was to deal with my emotional instability. All I could do was sit there and endure it. I remember pretending to be extremely absorbed in my bible, searching for some obscure passage, like I wasn’t even aware that I was being discussed openly in front of over a hundred people. By the end of the service, I was a wreck.
I managed to play the closing song and I quickly made my way off the stage and made a beeline for my office so I could finally let the tears fall like they had been threatening to do for the past hour. A few people made their way to me as I descended the stage to express their sympathies and I heard a few people say they didn’t think those statements were true of me at all. They all let me rush past as I stammered something about needing to take care of something in my office. They could see the tears welling up in my eyes and so the few that had huddled around me let me retreat to the sanctuary of my office.
When I got there I locked the door, allowed myself to cry just for a minute. I then quickly fixed my make-up, applied my fake ‘everything is alright’ smile and made my way out of my office to collect my children and make my way of escape. Go figure, Chris had chosen that Sunday to stay at home so I had to endure all of this alone. As I left the building that day, I remember feeling a stirring in my heart that I only had to make it till November 1st. If I could make it till then, November 2nd, I could turn in my resignation, leave them all high and dry, and sail away on my planned cruise and have a week where no one could contact me, a week of peace. I could leave the church and never look back.
The Possible Move and My Required Informal Resignation
When I told Chris about the meeting he blew up. He was so angry and I found myself making excuses for my pastor’s behavior and begging Chris not to call him up or say something on Sunday. At that moment, Chris was wise enough to see that I needed his support and he shut his mouth. He saw that the hold my Pastors had over me was beginning to crumble and he was glad because that meant he would finally have his wife back.
We managed to get through my birthday dinner with the Pastors, although it was strained. We also managed to get through the next Sunday too. But the whole time the Lord was speaking to my heart, telling me it was time to move on. Chris was just waiting for me to say “let’s go” and we’d pack our bags and say goodbye to our little church of five years. Chris had known for some time that our church, and my relationship with my Pastors, was toxic and if something didn’t change soon it would have eventually destroyed our marriage. Chris had seen it where I had not and he had wisely kept silent, knowing I would never see the truth until I was ready and God showed me.
During that time there had been rumors at Chris’ work that layoffs were a possibility. Higher management had not been doing their jobs and had not secured any work for my husband’s department to do for months. They sat there every day doing nothing.
Doing nothing is very hard for a man and so the lust to do something else started creeping into my husband’s bones. That lust was contagious too. Soon, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I began to see that leaving was what God wanted me to do. But in my own strength, I reasoned that “moving” was the right thing to do.
At the time, I didn’t know how very bad things were going to become but I knew, based on previous experience, that no one left our little church on good terms. If a person left the church, they were excommunicated from the church and they were bashed and gossiped about. It didn’t matter if the individual was family or not. I had personally witnessed where the Pastors own family members were given the silent treatment, threatened, expelled from the church, and humiliated with gossip. I was not going to let that happen to me. The only way anyone ever left on good terms, without the humiliating treatment, was if they moved, preferably out of state. Chris and I knew both knew this and so, to spare me the humiliation of the gossip mill, moving somewhere else became our quest. Anywhere was better than here.
Chris soon found a job in Montana that he thought he was qualified for, in the same pay range as what he was currently making, so he applied. We strategized about what we would do with the house and we started making plans. If it wasn’t Montana it was going to be somewhere else. The somewhere else where we were hoping to go was Georgia, close to our good friends who had moved there not too long before.
Since we were making all these plans and moving seemed inevitable, I decided that the right thing to do was to inform my Pastors of the possibility of us leaving. I never would have expected their reactions.
It was a Wednesday after one of our staff meetings that I decided to broach the subject of us moving. I explained how Chris had been doing nothing at work for months and that the job security just wasn’t there, so he had applied for a job in Montana. My Pastor’s response was to immediately announce that he would start looking for my replacement right away and as soon as he found someone else I would be fired.
I was completely shocked. Why would I be fired? I tried to ask him these questions as I again sat there dumbfounded with tears streaming down my face. His response was the same one as just three weeks before.
“It is unfair of you to hold me and the church hostage. What if Chris get’s this job? You could be gone in two weeks and I would be left scrambling to find a replacement?”
My response was, “What if he doesn’t get this job and we end up staying here in Panama City?”
“Well, it sounds to me that you guys have already been making plans and I cannot leave this church to the off chance that you are staying. You still haven’t gotten back to me about whether or not you and Chris are going to have another baby. With the possibility of a baby and you guys moving, my hands are tied. You have left me no choice but to immediately start looking for your replacement and as soon as I find one you will be relieved of your duty. Every person in this church is replaceable. As the pastor, I’m replaceable. The associate Pastor is replaceable, and you are replaceable. This is God’s church and it will go on without you or me. No matter how good you are and have been for this church, you are replaceable.”
“But why not wait until we even know if this is a real possibility or not? Even if Chris does get this job why not wait until then, because Chris and I already discussed leaving me and the kids behind for a time so he could find us a place to live. We did that once before when we moved down here to Florida.”
“Husbands and wives always want to be together and let’s face reality…Are you really gonna want Chris up there in Montana, alone, without you, so he can end up cheating on you? This is just how it’s gotta be. As soon as find a replacement for you, you’ll be out of a job.”
That was not how I thought that conversation was going to go at all! I had expected some rational thinking but instead I got a touch of hysterics and a lot of anger. At that point, I wished I had kept my mouth shut and kept our plans to ourselves, but little did I know that it was all in God’s hands. God’s prompting me to alert my Pastors to the possibility of us moving, and their reactions, was exactly what I needed to tear away the last scale from my eyes so that I could see the truth. After that day, it was like I was seeing the truth for the first time. Every time I turned a corner it was like God was directing my gaze to the piles of garbage and dung, the junk, the religion, the traditions and selfishness of man that God never intended to be associated with His church. Every time I looked around and God showed me another portion of truth, He was confirming in my heart that it was time to leave. I had my running shoes tied tight, and all I was waiting for was God’s commanding shout that would start me running.
“GO!”
We managed to get through my birthday dinner with the Pastors, although it was strained. We also managed to get through the next Sunday too. But the whole time the Lord was speaking to my heart, telling me it was time to move on. Chris was just waiting for me to say “let’s go” and we’d pack our bags and say goodbye to our little church of five years. Chris had known for some time that our church, and my relationship with my Pastors, was toxic and if something didn’t change soon it would have eventually destroyed our marriage. Chris had seen it where I had not and he had wisely kept silent, knowing I would never see the truth until I was ready and God showed me.
During that time there had been rumors at Chris’ work that layoffs were a possibility. Higher management had not been doing their jobs and had not secured any work for my husband’s department to do for months. They sat there every day doing nothing.
Doing nothing is very hard for a man and so the lust to do something else started creeping into my husband’s bones. That lust was contagious too. Soon, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I began to see that leaving was what God wanted me to do. But in my own strength, I reasoned that “moving” was the right thing to do.
At the time, I didn’t know how very bad things were going to become but I knew, based on previous experience, that no one left our little church on good terms. If a person left the church, they were excommunicated from the church and they were bashed and gossiped about. It didn’t matter if the individual was family or not. I had personally witnessed where the Pastors own family members were given the silent treatment, threatened, expelled from the church, and humiliated with gossip. I was not going to let that happen to me. The only way anyone ever left on good terms, without the humiliating treatment, was if they moved, preferably out of state. Chris and I knew both knew this and so, to spare me the humiliation of the gossip mill, moving somewhere else became our quest. Anywhere was better than here.
Chris soon found a job in Montana that he thought he was qualified for, in the same pay range as what he was currently making, so he applied. We strategized about what we would do with the house and we started making plans. If it wasn’t Montana it was going to be somewhere else. The somewhere else where we were hoping to go was Georgia, close to our good friends who had moved there not too long before.
Since we were making all these plans and moving seemed inevitable, I decided that the right thing to do was to inform my Pastors of the possibility of us leaving. I never would have expected their reactions.
It was a Wednesday after one of our staff meetings that I decided to broach the subject of us moving. I explained how Chris had been doing nothing at work for months and that the job security just wasn’t there, so he had applied for a job in Montana. My Pastor’s response was to immediately announce that he would start looking for my replacement right away and as soon as he found someone else I would be fired.
I was completely shocked. Why would I be fired? I tried to ask him these questions as I again sat there dumbfounded with tears streaming down my face. His response was the same one as just three weeks before.
“It is unfair of you to hold me and the church hostage. What if Chris get’s this job? You could be gone in two weeks and I would be left scrambling to find a replacement?”
My response was, “What if he doesn’t get this job and we end up staying here in Panama City?”
“Well, it sounds to me that you guys have already been making plans and I cannot leave this church to the off chance that you are staying. You still haven’t gotten back to me about whether or not you and Chris are going to have another baby. With the possibility of a baby and you guys moving, my hands are tied. You have left me no choice but to immediately start looking for your replacement and as soon as I find one you will be relieved of your duty. Every person in this church is replaceable. As the pastor, I’m replaceable. The associate Pastor is replaceable, and you are replaceable. This is God’s church and it will go on without you or me. No matter how good you are and have been for this church, you are replaceable.”
“But why not wait until we even know if this is a real possibility or not? Even if Chris does get this job why not wait until then, because Chris and I already discussed leaving me and the kids behind for a time so he could find us a place to live. We did that once before when we moved down here to Florida.”
“Husbands and wives always want to be together and let’s face reality…Are you really gonna want Chris up there in Montana, alone, without you, so he can end up cheating on you? This is just how it’s gotta be. As soon as find a replacement for you, you’ll be out of a job.”
That was not how I thought that conversation was going to go at all! I had expected some rational thinking but instead I got a touch of hysterics and a lot of anger. At that point, I wished I had kept my mouth shut and kept our plans to ourselves, but little did I know that it was all in God’s hands. God’s prompting me to alert my Pastors to the possibility of us moving, and their reactions, was exactly what I needed to tear away the last scale from my eyes so that I could see the truth. After that day, it was like I was seeing the truth for the first time. Every time I turned a corner it was like God was directing my gaze to the piles of garbage and dung, the junk, the religion, the traditions and selfishness of man that God never intended to be associated with His church. Every time I looked around and God showed me another portion of truth, He was confirming in my heart that it was time to leave. I had my running shoes tied tight, and all I was waiting for was God’s commanding shout that would start me running.
“GO!”
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