Common theme: Unrepentance!

So out of all the churches that I've witnessed spiritual abuse in there is a very common theme of unrepentant leaders. I've talked to many, many leaders and former volunteers from many abusive churches across this nation and in other nations and the theme of unrepentance never ever changes. In both churches that I was a part of, the one I left in 2009 and the one I left in 2018, I (or my husband) had confronted leadership and they were completely unrepentant and didn't acknowledge their ongoing sin.
There's also a theme of sexual perversion in a lot of cases. Pastors preying on young women is a common theme that I've heard from multiple people, in multiple churches, but it's not always the Pastor, but the pastor's wife that has been  involved in some of the cases I've heard of. Also controlling aspects of ones finances is another common thread. I've heard stories about forcing people to take lesser paying jobs, or selling their homes and moving onto Pastor controlled property. I've heard about covenants being signed to tithe certain amounts. I could tell story after story of spiritual abuse.

In every person's story, there was always a confrontation, exposing the Leader's sin, them not repenting and the victim being forced to leave and the abuse continues, to someone else.

Something else that is common is an attempt to lure the victims back into the fold! I have talked to spiritual abuse victims and it's common that they get messages for months, even years after, trying to get them to come back. It's usually the ones that didn't make a big fuss when they left. They will prey on the less outspoken one of a couple. I chuckle because no one has ever tried to lure me back because I'm way to vocal and I think they know it! My willingness to be transparent and poke the bear with my story and knowledge of spiritual abuse makes me an unlikely candidate to come back. But the Pastor's wife did try to lure my husband back. He's nicer than I am! I'll flat out tell someone they are manipulating and call them out on it. It's rare that I do that and I've only done it less than a handful of times but for some reason people see that about me and don't test that. Now with my husband, they underestimate him completely; He will confront them, they just don't think he will!
Anyway....I've watched some Pastors try and lure their victims back in with statements like, "I'm only hard on the ones with the most potential", "you're like a son/daughter/brother/sister to me", or they will use flattery about your gifts or talents and how they can't do stuff without you (I got that one before I left, not after).
Another tactic that an abusive Leader will use to lure you back in is using your common friends who are still attending to try and bring "reconciliation".
We had that happen to us. A couple tried to bring reconciliation between us and the Pastor and his wife about 2 months after we had left the church. They talked to us and we told them our story and our "why we left", but it was extremely clear that they had been told a completely different story as they repeated the rhetoric that the Pastor's wife had tried to feed me in that I'd misunderstood the Director's tone and misheard his words. I quickly corrected them but it was very clear they had been fed a bunch of lies. They pleaded with us that the Pastor and his wife desired reconciliation, but we both asked them point blank, then why did the Pastor give a very heated NO, when Geoff had pleaded with him for that very thing. Geoff had asked for the Pastor to meet with me and he vehemently refused! We asked them if they wanted restoration why had they refused a meeting to do so and why hadn't they reached out to us themselves. We also told them about the Pastor's wife's comments on facebook of "Praise God, he pruned our vine", and me sending screenshots to the pastor and his lack of response. If they had wanted to truly reconcile, we had given them numerous chances; four chances in fact. One with the initial confrontation before men's group, two with our resignation letter, another with my text to the pastor about his wife's behavior on facebook and lastly, when they returned our equipment. You could even count a fifth time when they returned the missing equipment. Also one of the Elders lives directly behind our house. I can see into their kitchen window from mine! So it's not as if there were all these obstacles to reconciliation that made it impossible, it was that they weren't interested in reconciling in the first place because that would require accountability and repentance.
In order to have reconciliation in any damaged relationship, first their must be repentance, and then accountability for sin. It is impossible to have intimacy and trust without truth.  So without transparency, without truth, without trust, without repentance, without love, it's impossible to have real relationship. If all those things are one sided and the other is only seeking their own gain, just imagine how toxic that relationship would be. What was eventually revealed in our relationships with our former leaders was toxic. We witnessed secrecy, covering of truth, lies and purposeful misinformation, unrepentance and willful, intentional sin, complete selfishness and actions for self gratification at the expense of others and all of those things are not godly, nor are they beneficial or healthy in any way. So, after praying we knew that reconciliation wasn't going to happen. We just felt so deeply grieved that our friends were so deceived. So we stepped back from our friendships with those still at that church, and stayed silent to them, instead pouring out our petitions for their safety from spiritual abuse to the Lord.

"Friends don't let friends drive drunk"

I heard the quote "friends don't let friends drive drunk" this morning in my pastor's message, and already I had been pondering the question of What is NOT classified as Spiritual Abuse? From Sunday School until this afternoon that question has been rumbling, and turning over in my brain and I realized on this blog I have never answered that question. I have a need to answer that question now because  many people say they have been "hurt by the church". The other morning as I wrote my post on touching an Idol, I realized people no longer tolerate good solid biblical teaching nor do many want it. I've witnessed first hand that people get very uncomfortable around an uncompromising message that pushes the believer to take a stand and  to take action. The Christian world is now full of this watered down gospel that is politically correct, doesn't address sin, or encourage holiness, but preaches this "gospel" of love everyone and be tolerant of sin and many so called "believers" whine and cry, like a baby with a soiled diaper that they've been "hurt by the church" because someone said something they didn't want to hear! Solid biblical teachers get this label of being hateful, and are often called Pharisees for preaching the truth of Scripture.

So let's address that question. What is NOT classified as Spiritual Abuse?
The simple answer is church discipline. What is church discipline? Church discipline is where a person in spiritual authority will address sin in someone's life like in Matthew 18:15-18. We are to go to our brothers and sisters in Christ first privately, and then take two or three witnesses, then address it to the whole church if the brother doesn't repent and we are to treat them like an unbeliever if they do not repent and honestly, according to 1 Corinthians 5, not have fellowship with them. So we are talking about unrepentant sin here. Not some type of offense of carpet color swatches in the church or whether the AC is set too high or low. We aren't talking about some petty offense, we are talking about is your brother or sister in Christ in adultery, or involved in drugs, or drunkenness, or abusing their children or spouse, or being involved in sexual sin of any kind outside of marriage between a man and a woman! I have come to realize that some people leave the church in offense over petty things and some people leave the church because someone cared enough to say something about the dangers of the sin they were involved in.
Ezekiel 33-1-6 talks about the watchman on the wall, and if the watchman sees the encroaching army ready to destroy his city and he sounds the trumpet to warn the people and no one responds, then the watchman is absolved of any guilt; the blood of the people is upon their own heads! Now, if the watchman sees the army, does nothing, and says nothing and the people die, then the watchman is guilty of the deaths of every living soul that was slaughtered. They never stood a chance because they didn't know.
Teachers and Preachers are the watchman standing upon the city wall. Your friends should be a watchman in your life as well. If they love you and care for you, would they not pull you back, yanking you away from a precipice that you were about to stumble and plummet to your death?
Romans 6:23 says: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, just focusing on that first part "the wages of sin of death". If you work for Sin, the payment is death. You will experience death in all your relationships. If you don't believe this is true, then take a few minutes and ask the spouse or child of an alcoholic and ask them if they have a loving, beneficial relationship with their alcoholic spouse or parent. That sin of drunkenness robbed them of a life giving, beneficial relationship and you won't find a person alive that says that sin didn't pay with a slow, agonizing death because that person was a slave to it's master, drunkenness. It not only kills relationships, but it kills the host as well!
I tell my kids all the time that sin, unrepentant sin, is a slow death to every relationship in your life. I watched it kill my first marriage with his porn addiction and his drunkenness. His relationship with me ended and his relationship with his children is shallow at best! His continued service to his Sins, produced all manner of death, in the form of more sin, abuse, adultery and addiction.
So back on task. So if I'm a watchman, a friend, a person in relationship, or even in some type of authority in your life and I say to you, "my friend, my brother, I see that this sin in your life is going to cause calamity, and I see the cliff that you are heading towards and I'm warning you, my dear friend that disaster is imminent" and you turn your back on me in favor of your sin, in complete rebellion, what I did for you was not spiritual abuse, but a loving act of kindness. I cared enough for you, to warn you and to keep you from harms way. This is love, especially if I risk not having relationship with you by telling you the truth!  Then scripture calls us to cut fellowship, as hard as that is for us to do if we walk in obedience. More often than not though, the unrepentant brother will leave the church in offense claiming he or she was spiritually abused or "hurt by the church".
Are you that brother or sister who left in offense because someone confronted your sin?

I honestly can say that I did not leave any church because I was confronted with my sin and unrepentant. This is a question we have to ask ourselves when we talk about "church hurt". Was I in unrepentant sin, or did I leave because of real abuse?

Just so there's clarity, there was a "church discipline" meeting with the leaders of my old church and my husband concerning me, and I'm certain the leaders felt justified in their attack, but it wasn't done biblically and there were no witnesses either, just false accusations. We tried to bring correction and discipline numerous times to the leadership of that church with witnesses and I did go to them numerous times personally, but nothing was ever done about and they were unrepentant. Many of us did. There were emails that bore testimony, text messages, eye witness personal accounts and yet all of it was dismissed. The only thing left was to bring it forth in front of the congregation which none of us who left had opportunity to do.

One thing I know for sure, is there can be no reconciliation without repentance. We can't even be reconciled to God without repentance and a true believer's life is characterized by that of repentance. We cannot have salvation without repentance.
Church discipline is meant to bring about repentance and reconciliation and the whole reason it's brought before the church is so that the person can fully see the weight of that lost fellowship with not only God, but with their brothers and sisters in Christ. It should tear at their hearts and in an abuse situation church discipline isn't about love, but control and that is truly how you see the difference.

I'll end with this: There was a woman, in an abusive church, who was getting bogged down with all the many responsibilities the church had weighted her down with. She was being abused and taken advantage of by the ministry director she was under and this man spoke to her regularly with disdain and insisted she be there, rain or shine, sickness or health, and even putting her family's well being aside to do this person's will. She was a very useful and knowledgeable person in this ministry, but she wasn't the only one who could do the task; she was just the most pliable. So tiring of the abuse, lies and manipulation under the hand of this director, she went to the Pastor's wife and said that wanted to step down from doing that ministry for a while as she was burnt out. The Pastor's wife told her she was in sin for stepping down and the "Lord" had told her so. There was no sin in this woman. What was Sin was the Pastor's wife manipulating and using witchcraft and false prophecy to control this woman and force her will upon another. The woman was so defeated that she went back to doing the very ministry she was tired from, even more burdened, now believing she was under the yoke of sin, if she didn't do it because someone lied and said "God said" when He never said. She is now more burdened than she was prior, and is now in bondage to a works based salvation. She must keep participating in this ministry or risk "being in sin".
That story is spiritual abuse. In both my case and the case of this other women, a false form of church discipline was used as a form of control.
Discern though rightly, whether someone is coming to you in love because you are involved in a sinful lifestyle, or whether this is abusive control? Not every correction or confrontation in the church is spiritual abuse.

Removing Yourself from influence of toxic fellowship

So, I had a conversation with someone today about cutting people out your life and this applies to the topic of spiritual abuse because there’s a common theme of spiritually abusive leaders: they don’t repent. I believe it necessary to remove yourself from the influence of false teachers and those who abuse spiritually.

So in the original conversation I had quoted 1 Corinthians 5 as to why we shouldn’t fellowship with those in unrepentant sin. And she responded asking me to share my thoughts on 1 Corinthians 15, Matthew 18 and 2 Corinthians 2 and this was the response:

So the Verse that jumped out at me from 1 Corinthians 15 was:

I Corinthians 15:33,34 Do not be deceived: Evil company corrupts good habits. Awake to righteousness and do not sin; for some do not have the knowledge of God. I speak this to your shame.

The entire chapter is addressing the issue of false teaching brought into the church against the resurrection. Basically denying that Jesus could have been raised from the dead and denying the deity of Christ. That’s interesting since it’s the very issue I have issue with with a big name church with international exposure and most people don’t realize that they preach against the deity of Christ, teaching that Jesus was JUST a man in right standing with God, which is a false teaching. But that’s a side note. This passage has more to do with a particular false teaching than anything else. But concerning your topic of cutting people out of our lives, we should be cautious and not deceived by those who follow and preach false teachings so I’d advise not to keep company with those people.

My advice isn’t to cut people off who differ in small things, like how women should dress in church, but in foundational doctrines of truth, like whether they deny the deity of Christ, the Trinity, or whether or not spiritual gifts are required for salvation! I would call that the Jesus plus something else gospel. For example the Jews insisting the gentiles be circumcised. That’s a works based gospel. There are some minor doctrines that John MacArthur and R.C Sproul argued about, like infant baptism, but they were great, great friends and brothers in Christ! Their banter on the topic makes me laugh! Their love was great towards one another despite their doctrinal differences, but on key issues, these men were aligned in unity.

Going on to Matthew 18. There’s a lot going on in there. Jesus warns of those luring those into SIN and it would be better if a person drowned with a millstone around their neck if they lead one of the little ones, children, or babes in Christ, as this portion suggests, astray into sin. This part is a warning to the disciples, and to us, not to be a person with a lifestyle of sin, that leads others into sin. I think people often forget that first part and focus on the offense part. Offense was sin. And the word offense in the scripture isn’t talking about our feelings getting hurt, which is what we often think of today.

Jesus is addressing leaders in this context, his leaders, his disciples, not to be the kind of men that lead others to sin.

So then there’s the parable of the lost sheep and I’m going to skip that so as to not be long winded and move onto dealing with a sinning brother. This is like I said prior about cutting those off from fellowship if they are unrepentant in their sin and like the verse I quoted at the top, evil company corrupts good habits. Then we look at the parable of the unforgiving servant. The gist of this passage is this man was forgiven a debt, but then refused to forgive someone else for an even lesser debt and was ungracious and unwilling. He was the man who was “caught” in his sin, but truly wasn’t repentant, because if he was repentant he would have realized that he was forgiven much and would have extended that same grace to another. There’s the rub with those who are sorry because they got caught and those who are sorry because they truly sinned. The Caught man plays the blame game, The repentant man humbles himself and gives grace to others.

So putting the whole chapter into context, in light of your topic, is the person a Caught man or a Repentant man and if he’s not the repentant man we should treat him as an unbeliever and whenever we have contact with them, if possible, we should share with them the gospel, also we should examine our own lives to see if we are leading others into sin, like Jesus warned with the millstone. How close are your non Christian friends? Our fellowship, closest friends should be with other Christians because bearing our soles to a dead man is a one way street. The dead man has really nothing to give you. We are dead in our sins apart from Christ. I accidentally looked up 1 Corinthians 2 instead of 2 Corinthians, but there was a verse that applied to what I just said. That chapter is talking about Spirit to Spirit and not going by man’s wisdom. In Verse 13 it says: These things we also speak, not in words, which man’s wisdom teaches but which the Holy Spirit teaches, comparing spiritual things with spiritual. That’s why I said what I said about the dead man. We, as Christians, if we are true believers, are alive in Christ and those who are not are spiritually dead. So when it comes to great relationships and growth, our best, closest and most intimate friendships should be with those who bring growth in our lives by speaking God kind of life. You can’t get life from a dead man.

Ok. So the last passage you presented for me. That one really spoke to me as there’s so much beauty in that passage. Paul’s heart as he grieves because he couldn’t find his brother Titus is precious. Also Paul admonishes the Corinthian church to give grace and forgive a brother and comfort him because it’s obvious in this passage Paul doesn’t want this BROTHER to be consumed by his sorrow. So commentaries I read all agree, that this brother was someone who had church discipline enacted against him because of his sin. Some commentaries suggest it was the incestuous man in 1 Cor 5, the exact portion I quoted. How interesting that this comes full circle! So the purpose of church discipline is always repentance and restoration and in this passage of scripture it’s clear, the discipline the church enacted worked and this man is clearly repentant so Paul is telling the church to forgive his transgressions and show the man love! What a beautiful, example of restoration! So there’s a common theme of repentance and having a heart towards repentance! Wow, if we all walked in repentance continually, then many relationships would be restored. But there are cases where there are those who refuse to repent and refuse to see their sin and for those cases I live by and teach my children Romans 12:18

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men!

Do what you are called to do, if it’s at all possible, as much as depends on you, focus on yourself walking in repentance and forgiveness. Leave all the rest to God. But no where do I see where we have to have close intimate fellowship with someone who intends to bring harm, who is living in unrepentant, rebellious sin, or false teaching that leads to sin, especially if they claim to be a brother or sister in Christ. We are to treat them as if they are unbelievers, and have our speech seasoned with grace and present the gospel to them whenever possible. The truth will always be a stumbling block to some and the truth of the gospel is even a stumbling block to those who profess to be believers but may really not be. So many, many facets here. Hope I helped.

Touch not thine anointed: oops touched your idol!

So earlier today, I may or may not have touched someone’s idol of Bethel church. They deleted my comment when I mentioned Bethel and Bethel’s link and endorsement to the occult. The person went on to comment that they would delete any and all comments that had identifiers to particular ministries or if people used names in their post as examples. That’s all fine and that’s their choice on their social media page. BUT...it got me thinking about other times people haven’t been too happy with me for pointing out false teaching and they have responded in anger spouting the verse “touch not thine anointed”, warning me that some calamity will befall me for calling out their favored teacher. I’m bringing this up because so many, even if they don’t quote the verse, have this strong aversion to calling out those who preach a false gospel and that’s what I feel like I encountered this morning. This verse is often used by those to protect and justify actions of themselves and the ministries they follow; to deny culpability. This verse is most often used by the false prophets and teachers themselves.

First off we have to look at the context of that verse and the entire verse itself. I Chronicles 16:7 “Do not touch my anointed ones, And do My prophets no harm”

Simple enough. If you go read the verses surrounding it we see this is a song of thanksgiving that David sang.

So who does that verse apply to? Who does it not apply to? It applies to Kings and legitimate Prophets, those set apart for God’s service.

Ok, so who does it not apply to? FALSE PROPHETS AND TEACHERS. What is a qualifier as a false prophet or teacher? A Prophet, a true prophet according to scripture has to be 100 Percent accurate all the time! They cannot be wrong and if they are they are to be put to death! A False teacher is anyone who preaches a different gospel than the one already laid in Christ, the foundational truths, and according to Galations 1:8 let him be accursed!

The entire book of Galatians is Paul Imploring the Galatian church not to fall into works of the law. In Galatians 3:1, Paul cries out, “Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified?

I John, Jude, 1 and 2^nd Timothy all address false teaching. Ephesians does as well. Actually, if you look closely throughout the entire BIBLE, it addresses this issue over and over again. In the old Testament it was Baal worship and the worship to Ashtura and the ashtura poles, in the New Testament it was Gnostic teachings (special knowledge), humanism and a returning to the law and a works based salvation. Some even claimed that Jesus wasn’t resurrected, nor was he diety. I John 2:22,23 Who is a liar but he who denies that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist who denies the Father and the Son. Whoever denies the Son does not have the Father either; he who acknowledges the Son has the Father also.

So, where does Bethel come into this? They preach that Jesus was the Christ right? Yes, and no.

It’s the no part which makes what they preach another gospel that is accursed. They actually preach that Jesus was JUST a man in right standing with God. That he put aside his divinity here on earth. That Jesus was NOT God here on earth. Wait What? Yup….Jesus was just a man according to Bill Johnson.

He preaches on it and he teaches it over and over in his books. He’s denying the deity of Christ. Go research it for yourself. I don’t like doing all the leg work for people because when learning, the best way to learn, is to dig for yourself! Go do some digging!

So if that’s not enough for you, go research grave sucking and “christian” tarot card readings taught in their schools of ministry, or Bethel’s books that they endorse like the book “Physics of heaven”. This book written by Bethel leaders teaches about quantum mysticism using new age occult practices of sound, light, energy and vibrations! Is any of that preached or taught in the Bible? Where is it in scripture? It’s not! So should we be practicing these things or teaching them as truth when there’s no scriptural basis for any of it? No, absolutely Not!

Go research for yourself if Bethel church, it’s leaders, and those who endorse and support that ministry are biblical and have their teachings based upon scripture or not. If the answer is no, then don’t be upset when I touched your golden calf that you’ve set up as an idol, and called it a false god.

I’ve done the research. Have you?

Part 10: The "WHY"

So here’s my “WHY?”

I wrote most of this a few months ago and I’ve been praying about posting it ever since. I don’t ever plan on really promoting this on facebook or anything, but it stands as a reminder to others that spiritual abuse is wrong and it exists. My husband is better equipped to explain why spiritual abuse has it’s basis in false teaching. The Word of God is always twisted and used to promote an agenda in a church that has spiritually abusive leaders. But over the past few months I’ve watched the news articles about this church leader or that church leader denying their faith in God or being exposed in sin.

Well one particular leader spurred me into action and this story goes back to 2008. Todd Bentley is his name.

I remember the Lakeland Revival. I remember people from church urging me to go and make the trip to go see what was happening in that church and I remember not wanting to go and feeling very apprehensive about it all, even though I was in the Word of Faith movement at the time. So I didn’t go. Then only a few weeks later, the scandal broke in the news about Todd and his affair with his intern Jessa. They both claimed it was only an emotional affair but later it came out that it was indeed physical and that Todd was not seeking to reunite with his wife, but was leaving her. Todd, a few months later, married Jessa. Todd spent a short season out of ministry and around the same time as his marriage to Jessa, relaunched into full time ministry. In less than a year, Todd was back in full swing.

Todd, clearly, was unfit for ministry. Todd had others come forward about sexual misconduct and nothing was done back in 2008 and 2009. No one publicly dealt with Todd or Jessa! He was fully supported by those he was supposed to be accountable to and the Word of God was set aside.

Fast forward to 2019. In June, a pastor came out with a scathing rebuke of Todd and Jessa and has proof of sexual harassment, sexual misconduct and debauchery that’s not even unheard of in unbelievers! Sodom and Gomorrah type stuff! I don’t think I need to describe it further. Aslo we aren’t talking about one or two people that this spiritual leader preyed upon, but we are into the double digits here!

All of this got me thinking about all the former leaders in that church that I’ve talked to. There’s a lot of us and the church is less than 5 years old! There’s four different Elder families that have left and six or more Leadership families that have left and every one of them have spoken to the Head Pastor and voiced concerns about misconduct and the common theme of his wife running the church. Not one of us has come out publicly that I know of. So people who don’t know are still trapped not knowing that the church where they attend is not a healthy place for them to be. I'll gladly be the scapegoat as I've worn that garment before with my first church staff position. (I'm still talked about and it's been 10 years!)

Going back to the Todd Bentley issue. Todd has people who are supposed to hold him accountable. None of them have. Rick Joyner is directly over Todd and Rick fully endorses Todd’s ministries. Side note: Rick Joyner, Todd Bentley and Bill Johnson, over Bethel, are all connected in ministry and endorse each other. Now if that doesn’t make you go “hmmmmm”.

So, all of us former Leaders have spoken to people privately, but never come out publicly. Paul, the apostle, called out publicly false teachers. He didn’t go into a long drawn out story as to why. But there’s precedence in scripture that we should call out false teachers. Even church discipline guidelines say that we should publicly out them if they don’t repent. Each of us former leaders have met with the Pastor about this issue or that issue, with evidence, with accusation and not once were things dealt with biblically by the Pastor. I know, based on scripture, that the men in leadership at that church as Elders are not fit for ministry. I know this based on the testimonies of more than 20 people and biblically we only need two or three.

My fear is that the Pastor, his wife and the other Elders, if not called into account publicly will be like Todd Bentley, worse years later. It’s also my hope that other former leaders will speak out or at least direct those wounded under this false ministry to my blog so they can find some healing in knowing that they aren’t alone. None of this is done maliciously. You’ll notice I don’t use names and present facts. Occasionally, I put my assumptions in there but I label them as such, even claiming that I do not know for sure. I did my best to write this out without emotionalism or bitterness.

This experience at that church wasn’t without blessings but it made me very aware that the problem of false teaching and spiritual abuse is rampant and we all need to be diligent to study the word of God for ourselves so we can see when someone is trying to lead us astray and use manipulation and witchcraft to control and destroy lives.

I conclude with this:

Luke 8:17 For nothing is hidden that will not become evident, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light.

Luke 12:1-3 Beware of the leaven of the pharisees, which is hypocrisy. But there is nothing covered up that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known. Accordingly, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in the inner rooms will be proclaimed upon the housetops.

Part 9: The gossip

We’ve also had people who have left that church tell us they’ve heard gossip about us. The gist of the gossip is that Geoff and I demanded paid staff positions and when we were refused that we got upset and left. Also that we, of course, just like the other Elders and their wives who left before us, are in sin and that we are Pharisees and have no love and grace. The same story is told over and over about those who were once in leadership, who have since left. You can honestly interchange the names of the individuals, like those paper dress up dolls I used to play with as a kid. The same accusation fits every individual who has left. Isn’t that strange?

Actually, it’s not. It’s a common theme among those who spiritually abuse. They are never wrong and the fault always lies with someone else. If fault needs to be accepted it will be the very least grievous

fault possible in order to deflect from the greater sins that were exposed.

In all of this, with every former Leader I’ve spoken to since we left in May of 2018, there’s this common thread that the Pastor’s wife runs the church and it’s been joked about as the “church of (insert the Pastor’s wife’s name). Tools that she uses to make people comply are false prophecies and gossip spoken over people and about people. I had my own false prophecy of my death and destruction in a text message if I were to leave the church and not submit to their leadership.

The gossip was rampant and flowed out of her mouth like a dripping faucet, flowing into many conversations that I had with her and she seized every opportunity to tell me something about someone else. I was told about affairs of people I’d never met, but knew on facebook, I was told of financial trials, I was even told about sexual preferences of certain leaders in the church. All of it shocked me and made me feel uncomfortable. I wish I would have boldly spoken up and squashed it but I didn’t. My need and want for acceptance won out over my desire to stand in truth. I bring it out now so that people can identify and expose this common thread of gossip and false prophecy. All of it was aimed at promoting her authority and position over others, to make others doubt relationship, and to force loyalty to her alone and all of it, the manipulation and lies, continue to this day with no accountability to anyone.

Some may be wondering why I decided to post all of this. This long, long story, that to some may not seem that bad. There’s many more details that I left out. I focused on my story more than others, although I’ve spoken to many former Leaders and their stories are much the same. The theme is there’s no accountability for any of the Leaders/Elders in that church. If you don’t comply 100% you are gossiped about and forced out. The Pastor’s wife is the head honcho, and if there are ethical issues, the Word of God is set aside, and the agenda is pushed instead and the truth hidden.

Part 8: Returning equipment and Facebook comments

It took almost a month for us to get our music equipment back. They showed up on a day I was cleaning a house and I think that may have been strategically planned.

The newly Returned Elder and the Pastor’s wife showed up at the house and Geoff was kind and polite and helped them unload the equipment. As he passed the Pastor’s wife with my keyboard, he looked down to avoid hitting her with the cumbersome instrument and noticed her video recording the entire exchange on her phone. He clearly saw the video running as she had the screen facing up, with the camera towards the ground and he saw the video record running. It’s just sad that she would go to such measures, but none of this surprised me at all when he told me about it. The extremes that I’d dealt with after leaving that other church in 2009 were way worse so that was child’s play in my book.

There were a few things that they missed upon returning equipment and Geoff let them know. Eventually, it was a returned but it took a few more weeks.

Since we left...People, even one of my own team members, deleted me on Facebook right off the bat and the trend continued for months. I knew what was going on, just like the other two Elder’s wives, I knew the gossip was probably horrendous about me, just like it was about them. I can’t say I have a single real friend left from that church. There’s a few acquaintances that will still reach out and say hi whenever I run into them in public, but we’ve pretty much been cut off. Initially, there were a few men who kept in contact with Geoff and expressed how much they missed us both. It’s just sad, because for a year these people were my family, support and I poured into them with everything I had.

I had to start deleting and blocking people myself eventually. Particularly the Pastor’s wife as she was making nasty comments in response to some of our comments on facebook. A mutual friend of ours asked for praise reports on his Facebook and I responded with how God had provided a few extra jobs for me when we needed the money. The Pastor’s wife’s comment, immediately after mine, was “Praise God, He pruned our vine”. Now that was vindictive and just downright hurtful. So I took a screenshot, sent it to the Pastor in a text and explained that I’d be deleting and blocking his wife because of her hurtful conduct and I prayed that this wouldn’t be taken as offensive but for my spiritual and emotional health, at this time that I could not continue to be her friend on facebook and I prayed he understood. He never responded!

There had been numerous comments along those lines and any opportunity to make a nasty comment on either our friend’s pages or our own, she took every opportunity. So eventually we both blocked her.

The Facebook harassment rears it’s ugly head every now and again. Geoff, my beloved husband, loves to post theological stuff on facebook and occasionally it’s in response to someone from our former church, and then mysteriously the Pastor’s wife will respond to Geoff’s comments on facebook in rebuke. We have no idea what is said and honestly she shouldn’t be able to see Geoff’s comments either because we blocked her, but somehow she sees the comments and rebukes Geoff. It all just shows her heart.

Part 7: Home again and Confrontation

When we returned, still there was no attempt to address the issue of the misconduct of the Director. We kept waiting. The kids were having issues and the Pastor’s Son kept hounding my son trying to get him to gossip about it and my son refused. You could tell when we came back that all the inner circle of the church knew something was going on. Finally, I took one lady into my confidence.

Her and I were close, or so I thought. I shared with her what the Director had done and how the Pastor and his wife had responded with no action and complete and total disbelief. I even shared with her the “seed of division”. I told her most of it didn’t matter because we felt called to leave to start our own ministry anyway, but that we had been waiting for over a month for resolution and nothing had happened and we were hoping to still have relationship. I was grieved. She was grieved. But both of us knew that Geoff and I were indeed called to something outside of the church and so the two of us stood in her hallway praying together over us leaving to launch out and praying to hold onto and have restoration in the matter with the Pastor and his wife, and the Director and accountability for all.

The next Sunday came after I had confided in her and we decided to make it known to the Pastor that we’d be leaving to start our own ministry and that’s what we felt strongly we needed to do. The Pastor came over and Geoff and Him had a great conversation about Ministry and the Pastor was excited and talked about us staying on for a transition time and that the Church would fully support us and help us launch. That had always been the vision of the church anyway was to launch other church plants. So Geoff was extremely hopeful. I was a bit more skeptical and cautioned my husband about starting a ministry under the church because we could not according to biblical standard really submit ourselves under the leadership of every Elder in that church. I, too, was hopeful. I think we all do that, just hope things will fall into place and we can keep going without really confronting the bigger issues. In the end, we agreed, to give it a few more weeks to see what God was doing and continue praying. It didn’t take long to get our answer.

The next day was Men’s group and Geoff was busy preparing the lesson and I, and my daughter, were busy cleaning a house when I started getting some strange messages from the Pastor’s wife. Some really vague stuff about not counting me disqualified for ministry because I had sinned and that she counted me as such a good friend that she was glad we could be transparent with one another (although I knew that transparency was a one way street at that point). I thought the conversation odd because I had never mentioned to anyone apart from my husband that I deemed anyone biblically unqualified. I excused myself from the conversation as I was busy cleaning and thought the whole thing odd. It seemed like a fishing expedition, seeking for me to admit to something, or for information and confirmation of what I thought. Little did I know it was part of a big set up.

Later that afternoon, the Pastor asked Geoff to meet him prior to the men’s group and Geoff assumed it was more talk about a future church launch so he was hopeful and excited. He had no idea what was to come.

When he got there it was an ambush. The other Elder had returned from Deployment just the weekend before our wedding so he was in attendance. The Pastor and this Elder immediately started into my husband with pages of printed out scripture saying that I was gossiping and spreading gossip in the church and that Geoff needed to get his wife in line. Scripture after scripture they tried to quote, except every scripture they used had nothing to do with gossip at all but had to do with false teaching and my husband refuted each scripture that they tried to hand out in judgment, as some kind of sentence to my guilt. My husband stopped them up short and rebuked them for taking scripture out of context and asked them to explain what this was about.

So apparently, a woman had made a comment to the newly returned deployed Elder the day before that she had confided in me at some point about an issue she had with the two people in the leadership. Immediately, I got accused of being a gossip because someone confided in me about an issue they were having. She came to me in confidence and I gave her sound advice to pray for them because some personalities are indeed difficult to get along with. I also suggested she go and confront it head on. I can’t tell her story for her as it isn’t my story to tell. What she didn’t say, or even mention to the Elder, was the time frame of when she had reached out to me which had been months before. This discussion where she sought me out for advice was before the altercation with the Director/Elder.

So when the Pastor and Elder accused me of gossip to Geoff, they claimed multiple people had come forward and accused me of gossip but never provided the names of anyone other than the lady who had confided in me months prior. They absolutely refused to allow me to face my accuser as per scripture which Geoff reminded them of. This was an obvious witch hunt and it had started weeks prior with that sermon that was false teaching claiming 2 Timothy 2 was about gossip. The next two Sunday sermons had the same theme as well even though none of the text had anything to do with gossip. In fact even after we left, we were informed by some that the messages for weeks contained the same theme and it was to the extreme that even sharing good news, like a job promotion, of someone other than yourself, was gossip.

So I’d only confided in one person inside the church and that had just been 3 days prior. I’d love to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she didn’t claim I was a gossip, but I have no way of knowing and honestly that trust is now broken and I’ll never know if she did or not. But throughout their ambush meeting they kept insisting that Geoff put me in line and rebuke me for my sin.

My husband defended me. He asked the Pastor if he’d ever talked to me about the incident with the Director/Elder and confronted him as to why he never dealt with it. He also confronted him on the fact of his word and that the Director was indeed informed the very night we spoke with him, after the Pastor had promised not to tell him. The Pastor claimed that the Director was never told anything to which my husband and I do not believe because his own wife had told us about the emergency meeting that same night I had stepped down and that the Director had apparently cried and said what a wonderful worship leader I was. He had also claimed, according to the Pastor’s wife, that the conversation on the phone didn’t happen that way and that I’d just misunderstood him and his tone. I remember responding to her false assertions with the comment, “well it’s pretty hard to misunderstand the words I feel sorry for everyone around you and that you’re abusive to everyone around you”. She had brushed me off, as if I hadn’t even spoken.

I always found it strange how in the presence of others this Director would put on this act like he was so supportive of others around leadership but speak so negatively and harshly, extremely condescendingly about myself and others to me and to others that he deemed beneath his authority.

But in it all, both Geoff, in the moment, and me later after the recounting of the meeting, we both believed the Pastor’s testimony to be a lie about the Director not being informed.

Geoff also begged and pleaded with the Pastor for him to talk to me and restore relationship. Geoff pleaded with him as if the Pastor was my brother to make restoration, to which the Pastor flatly and adamantly refused claiming he’d never be alone with me as a woman. Geoff kept imploring, saying of course it shouldn’t be alone, and to have him there, have the Pastor’s wife there, have the other Elder and his wife there, anyone, just if he would please talk to me and hear me out. He begged him to hear my side of the altercation incident and to hear my son’s testimony to which the Pastor again refused and made a scoffing remark about my Son not being qualified to act as a credible witness. Geoff asked why, at age 17, was my son not a credible witness, to which the Pastor replied, “really?”, as if my son was a convicted proven criminal and compulsive liar.

After pleading with the Pastor for some type of conversation to happen with all parties involved and the Pastor’s clear refusal Geoff managed to shut down the meeting as men were beginning to come into room to attend the Men’s group. Nothing more was said. We sent our resignation letter a few days later and never went back. In our resignation letter, we asked again for resolution and the return of our equipment. The only response that we got was that they had changed the lock codes on all the doors and we could not pick up our music equipment and to contact them about it and provide a list of equipment.

Side Note: I spoke to the woman they said was proof of my "gossip" and she confirmed the only thing she had said was that she spoke to me. She didn't tell them any information about our conversation. She said she was immediately rebuked for gossip. She was not asked about why she spoke to me, what was said, or when the conversation had taken place. It was an innocent comment on her part and she immediately rebuked because of it. 

Part 6: The Wedding

After her conversation, I knew things would get worse and really, really considered pulling out, having someone else marry us and greatly scale down the wedding. We could have done a small reception only at our friend’s house. Our wedding day turned out to be a beautiful day and I could have made it happen. My dad was strongly suggesting it and we really wavered. I just knew things weren’t going to work out. I knew that there was a lot of fake, trying to keep us happy stuff going on. If I blew the lid off the truth by sharing what had happened, it would have been bad. My husband and I were pretty prominent in the church and both of us extremely visible. It’s been almost a year and we still get people telling us how things aren’t the same without us.

The wedding happened and turned out beautiful and we had a fantastic day! There was no drama, not as many people came who had claimed just weeks prior that they were so excited to attend. So the reception ended up very small. One thing that bothered me in light of what had happened, I wasn’t too pleased about this Director having such a big role as MC at our wedding. If I’d have been asked I would have said no as I knew anything he did wouldn’t have been sincere or in Christian fellowship.

Side note: I had been praying, praying, praying that if God wanted us to keep relationships, and there to be restitution, that this Director would come to me to confess and apologize. He never did. If I yelled and screamed at someone like that, as a believer, the shame and conviction would just eat me alive. I’d never be able to be so cruel, even if I thought it true what I was saying. As believers we are supposed to be known by how we love one another. That’s why I could never wrap my head around some of the rules because almost every single rule was based out of control and not loving, the welfare, or the growth of the believers within the worship arts department. Every rule, brought restriction, legalism, and more restrictions than when I’d worked with professional paid musicians or when I’d been paid staff! I had more work to lead worship once every three weeks, than when I’d been on staff at my first paid position and I led worship there between 3 and 5 days a week depending upon whether we had a Sunday evening service that week or if I was leading in our sister church in Chipley. The amount of stress I was under was incredible with no grace ever! I firmly believe that this worship director/Elder is a wolf in Sheep’s clothing. Wolves love rules, legalism and are faucets of false teaching meant to enslave instead of bring Christian freedom through Christ. Wolves always bite and devour!

Well, we managed to get through the wedding with little incident. Graciously, I gave the Pastor’s wife a painting of mine that she had been drooling over for months as a way of thank-you for all her hard work. It had quite the price tag on it, but I gave it as a way of thanks and as a hope that we could get past this issue and hopefully restore the relationship. Unfortunately, restoration wasn’t going to be possible.

The morning after our wedding, we were getting dressed, ready to check out of the hotel and push on to our honeymoon destination when I got a text from my Son, saying how he’d been cornered by the Pastor’s wife and her son, pushing him for information about us, if we’d told anyone, and what we were going to do. At the same time, Geoff logged into the live feed and began listening to the sermon. Suddenly, we both looked at each other in shock as we heard the words “seed of division”. The Pastor was preaching about people gossiping and having a seed of division in them. The sermon was on 2 Timothy 2 about rightly dividing the word of God and he was preaching it as if that passage of scripture was talking about the early church gossiping! Wait, What! This was so clearly an agenda message and we were on the agenda to be discussed from the pulpit! There were quite a few lovely little hints in there about people talking about leadership and if they do so they are in sin. Keep in mind, there wasn’t anyone we had spoken to in the church about the incident with the Director. We did seek outside counsel with Pastors we’ve known for years and trusted. But no one knew anything inside the church.

We spent our entire honeymoon, just praying, talking and seeking God for the direction he wanted us to go and after that Sermon, it was the confirmation for us to leave that church. We even sought out godly counsel and everywhere we turned, there was confirmation to leave, we were just asking God the question of When.  

Part 5: Telling the Pastor, His wife's intervention

That Sunday afternoon, just as our Pastor was leaving on a mission trip for 10 days, he called to let me know that I would not have to lead worship in the month of May. I told him that was fine as I was stepping down anyway!

He was shocked. I asked him if he knew about the altercation with the Director and he said no. I only got to tell him three of the nasty comments that the Director said to me and the Pastor was so floored and said he couldn’t believe it. I told him that my son was a witness to the whole conversation as it was on speaker phone. Geoff and I made him promise that the Director would not be notified and this would be dealt with as soon as the Pastor got back. He made us promise not to tell anyone I had stepped down.

Well the Pastor did not keep his word at all and we found out from his wife a day later that they had an emergency meeting that very same night and the Elder was indeed informed and denied it all.

The next morning I received a notification that I was removed as a worship leader from the scheduling program the church used. Within an hour I was asked by our close friend in the worship arts department if I’d stepped down. I refused to lie and said yes. This member also knew that the other worship leader was also stepping down (I had nothing to do with that decision and it was just coincidental and I’m not completely sure as to his reasons). So this man messaged the Pastor and his wife saying he was concerned and asked why were both worship leaders removed or stepping down. Well that prompted a very interesting conversation with the pastor’s wife where she accused me of having a “seed of division” in me.

The conversation was all cordial. I wasn’t going to be rude, but everything she said, although said in a sweet manner, with the air of false concern, was direct spiritual abuse. She informed me that I misunderstood everything the Director had said and sometimes this Director can get passionate, but he never yelled at me, nor said such hateful things to me. I wasn’t even allowed to tell her the conversation I’d had with the Director. The only thing she knew was the few phrases I’d told her husband. I told her my son was there and the phone was on speaker but to her that didn’t matter and that was completely glossed over as if I’d never spoken. She claimed it never happened that way and then explained how I was forbidden to step down as a worship leader. I was told I was in sin for doing so, and because of this “seed of division” in me that I was to submit myself under their leadership and all managing responsibilities were to be taken from me and that the Elder and the returning Elder from Deployment would take upon the responsibilities of picking who played with me, what songs I was singing and my song list. She detailed how I would go through a restoration process until the “seed of division” was no longer found in me.

So in my mind, I have this internal dialogue going on… “So, let me get this straight, I get yelled at and screamed at by an Elder who literally just disqualified himself from ministry, who acted like a demon possessed man, and you are going to tell me that not only did it not happen that way, despite having a witness, that I’m supposed to submit myself to some cult like reconditioning process and the man with the clear outburst of anger who has gone off on people like this before gets away with it and you guys are going to do absolutely nothing?!? Yeah, I’m so outta here! Now, I just have to convince my future husband and pray, pray, pray, how to get out of this with our heads held high.” All the while, I just did the customary “uh huh’s” and I listened and told her that me stepping down was firm and I would not be reconsidering it. She asked me to pray about it and I said I have and would continue to do so.

I then asked that we put everything aside for now because I just wanted to get married to man I loved. To that she agreed.

Part 4: The Altercation

Three weeks later….Now this was about 2 weeks prior to my wedding and you can only imagine how stressed I was. I was finishing sewing my dress and working with the Pastor’s wife to get everything finalized as well as moving into a new house, the one that we’d share, just the weekend before. Plus I was doing some emergency babysitting for a friend with a hospitalized husband. Unfortunately, it was also my week to lead worship and I was extremely ill. Massive vertigo!

Out of desperation, I called the Director and asked him to take over my week as there was no possible way I could do it. And then the drama started. I started getting text messages from my kids and they were beyond upset that the Director had sat one of my team down and told her she didn’t follow the rules of “shadowing on his team” so therefore she wasn’t allowed to sing. I sent her a text and she tried to assure me it was OK and she’d just sit that week out and run the sound instead. Keep in mind, I’d had her scheduled, with the knowledge of the Director and Pastor for three weeks prior. She had been “shadowing” attending every worship practice for 5-6 months and only once had she been allowed to sing on stage. She was a great singer! I had advocated for her to be utilized for 4 months up until that point and the Director refused to schedule her! It became very apparent that any suggestion that I had, the Director would not even consider and do the exact opposite.

So in the end, I texted the Director, asking simply what was happening, that I was getting upset texts from my team members and could he please call me. A few hours later, he responded and his response was jarring! He demanded that when I wanted to act like an adult that I call him. So I did immediately. I was calm and not once did I raise my voice and calmly asked what was happening and why the woman wasn’t being allowed to sing. It was a simple, question and he went off! Immediately, as he began yelling, my son was standing in my bedroom doorway and I signaled to him to sit on my bed and put the phone on speaker. My son sat there with me as I was yelled and screamed at for almost an hour. This Elder even paused his tirade twice because witnesses came upon the scene as he explained how he was walking away from the Pastor’s property. “Hold on a second, the neighbor is walking his dog”, he said. Then a second time he told me to hold on as the Pastor’s son was pulling into the driveway and he gave him a cheery hello.

I was told that he felt sorry for everyone in my life and that I was abusive to everyone around me, and what must it be like to be my children being abused by me. On and on he went, vilifying me. Sneering at me, mocking me and my years of “ministry experience”. He was speaking down to me as if I was a bug beneath his very existence and every word dripped with incredible hatred. He kept mocking my maturity level as a Christian saying that I obviously wasn’t mature enough and He felt God was trying to get me to grow in this area or that area. I simply kept saying his name, very calmly, over and over and over again. I kept redirecting to the issues of team equality, his unbending rules and defending the woman who had been unfairly set down and quoted his own rules back to him and how she’d been more than faithful and he’d known for weeks prior. For almost an hour he shouted about how I’d broken every rule and what a horrible person I was. I kept trying to come to a resolution. In the end he refused to listen and my worship team was decided by him to be what it was and I wasn’t allowed to borrow anyone. I also calmly confronted him on behalf of the other worship leader because he had crippled that worship leader and his team as well, by taking his keyboardist and moving them to his own team. His team was at 15 people. Mine was down to 5 and the other worship leader’s team sat at 6 or 7 people. I stood up for other members of the worship department as well who I know had talked to him about switching teams so they could be used elsewhere and he denied their requests. I defended those who were getting burnt out because he was borrowing them from other teams, yet the rules didn’t apply to him. Only me.

There was absolutely no reasoning with him. At all. Anything I said about helping team members grow, I’d get screamed at. Any and all suggestions, I got screamed at. My son, having witnessed me go through domestic violence was beside himself in anger, punching the bed and almost crying out of frustration. It literally was like talking to a 5 year old who was determined to horde all the toys for himself.

Geoff stopped by at the tail end of the conversation and by that time the screaming had stopped and no resolutions had been made and I got off the phone. I informed Geoff and we decided together that I was done leading worship at that church. I would no longer lead worship under that Elder’s leadership and we both discussed how his outburst clearly made this man unfit for ministry and Eldership. My son, of course, gave witness.

I spelled out the clear spiritual abuse that happened and how this was so very similar to the church I’d left in 2009 and we needed to prayerfully consider leaving the church. In fact, I was pretty resolute, that night, that we needed to leave the church. Wedding or not!

Part 3: Missing Music

Then something strange happened the month after the second Elder and his wife left (remember this makes two Elder couples within a span of 5 months who have left). We had started our marriage counseling with the Pastor, and Geoff and I, rather than discuss our upcoming wedding, took the opportunity to express our concerns again about this Elder/Director living on the pastor’s property with no other governing accountability to the Pastor himself, and this Elder’s treatment of those in the worship arts department. Another email had come from the Director that was total lies and it implied conversations that hadn’t happened and required “accountability” from me and informant attitude from the rest of the worship arts department if I didn’t comply to the “rules”. I was appalled! The email banned me from borrowing anyone not assigned to my team, but my team was severely short handed without borrowing a guitarist and singer. I’d been begging for some new people, specifically a guitar player for months!

That week, it was my week to lead. We had met with the Pastor on a Thursday morning. The night before, the Wednesday night worship practice had been great and had been fluid. Friday we had co-op like we always do, which consisted of my kids, the pastor’s kids, and the other worship leaders kids. Three moms, just a small co-op and we always had a blast. Saturday, no one but the worship director and his wife were at the church and they did some cleaning. Sunday morning, all my binders with my current week’s music was missing from the stage as well as from our filing box where all our extra sheet music was stored. Only my current weeks music was missing from that filing box. I’d filed and put away all the extra sheets just the Wednesday before and they were missing. Every team member went on a hunt and looked everywhere in both buildings. The binders and the extra copies of the sheet music were missing.

Thankfully, one of my team members, who showed up late, had been trying to get better at the guitar and had taken his binder home to practice. I made copies using his music. When I asked the Director if he’d seen the missing music, he blamed it on the Co-op kids that were at the church on Fridays. He called them the Classical Conversation kids, or CC kids for short. He had no clue that the co-op that met on Fridays weren’t Classical Conversation kids, but just three families meeting and he was accusing the leadership kids of sabotage.

I couldn’t prove it, and I still can’t. But I’m fairly sure what happened. Coincidences just don’t happen like that. My Fiance and I had voiced concerns about the Director’s conduct and then two days later my sheet music goes missing! The music binders did eventually turn up in the second building, in the kitchen, three weeks later, in plain sight, sitting upon a stool. Tucked into one of the binders was the rest of the missing music that had been previously filed, but removed from the filing box. My Daughter was the one who came upon the missing binders!

Part 2: Second Elder to leave and the carrot

When that Elder and his wife stepped down there was a big business meeting where the Pastor’s wife cried in front of everyone claiming she’d been victimized by the other Elder’s wife, claiming she had written a document where she had accused the Pastor’s wife of 6 sins. Both the Pastor and his wife stood in front of the congregation vilifying this Elder and his wife, claiming they were too harsh on sin and not enough grace and emphasis on building relationship. Sin, they claimed, should only be exposed within the confines of close relationship.

At that time, Geoff and I had been hearing consistently all the gossip from the Pastor and his wife about the other Elder and his Worship Director wife that had left 3-4 months before. The common thread was that both the Elders and their wives had been in sin themselves and falsely accused godly men and women of sin.

Initially, we felt bad as we watched her cry in front of the congregation. Then one bold couple defended the Elder and his wife and then another. Geoff and I sat in silence and tucked it away. We both knew that something wasn’t right. We glanced at each other and gave each other the “look”. The look, with the raised eyebrows and big wide eyes that only takes a second to pass between a couple that says, “we will talk about this later because this crap is seriously messed up!”. Every couple has this look that speaks volumes without a word passing between them.

It was just prior to that whole debacle, about six weeks prior, when the Pastor was seriously talking to Geoff about bringing him in on staff and giving him a housing allowance. The conversation was a constant from the pastor but always there was something in the conversation putting Geoff off. Prior to the other Elder leaving, the Pastor gave Geoff the book about biblical Eldership and talked to Geoff about coming on as an Elder first, then staff member.

We think it was just a hook to keep us in line and keep us serving in our positions as Men’s ministry leader and Worship Leader as we later found out during a conversation with the disgraced Elder and his wife (the ones that were discussed wrongly in the business meeting) that the Pastor had openly discussed in Elder meetings that he had no intention of bringing Geoff on as an Elder, nor as staff. The plan was always to bring on the Elder who was serving in Afghanistan as staff when he returned from deployment. None of that was ever mentioned to Geoff or myself.

Despite the duplicity, and hardships placed on us both ministries were growing. Geoff had only 8 men the first week he took over the men’s ministry. By the time we left in May, it was 40 or so. For myself, the church was growing and despite being prohibited by not having official team members and my team being so small, I borrowed those who weren’t officially on anyone’s team and made it work every week that I led.

Every time I led worship, there was always some type of issue with the Director. Songs that I’d previously used, under the other Director’s leadership were no longer permissible and had to go through an oversight process. Even my own worship songs that I had written had to go through this approval process. There was a process and rule for everything. I even had to seek permission to use a binder system to keep my teams music in so that if ever we needed extra music/songs we had them on hand since memorizing songs were so hard for myself and some teens. I never did get that permission, but utilized it anyway. It was silly to have to get permission for something that was so common sense.

So every three weeks, whenever it came to my rotation for worship, there would be an email, or a discussion from the Director that I’d done something not to his liking. I never once received an encouraging word and every request I made was disregarded.

Side note: We spoke to that Elder and his wife and the story and evidence that they presented was completely different than what was presented publicly to the congregation. The Pastor and his Wife flat out lied and misrepresented facts!

Part 1: Elders leave and misunderstanding

Let me start off by saying I believe God led my husband and I to that church, not only to get me out of it, but so we could meet and expose the corruption. That church, like most abusive churches over time, is slowly dying and more and more families are leaving it and have been for over a year. It’s not just due to the catastrophic hurricane that hit our area either.

So, I convinced Geoff to start attending in August of 2017. We were friends, possibly band mates, and He most certainly had a calling for ministry on his life that was not being utilized in his current large church. By the end of September we had realized our feelings for each other after months of just being friends and numerous hours of bible study and discussion. I was so extreme in my anti-dating that I was clueless as to what was developing and everyone else just looked upon us with gleeful expectation. We were kind of hilarious. I was the last to know and realize something was going on.

By the time Geoff joined the church, I was pretty involved in the music ministry and the current director was easing me back into being a worship leader. But then shortly after her and her Elder husband left the church and she strongly suggested to the leadership that I take over as director. Instead the Senior Pastor promoted the only remaining, in town, elder to the position, who had little experience to my 12 years. The Pastor claimed ignorance of the prior Director’s recommendation even though she immediately upon leaving told me she had made the recommendation.

Okay, it was no real bother. I wasn’t sure I wanted the responsibility as I was a single mom anyway. I had enough on my plate during that time and in all but one position, (remember I was promised a paid staff position, but they never followed through), I’d been paid staff. Not that I won’t do it for free. I had done it always for as little as 200 per month. But to take on the responsibility as a homeschooling single mom without pay, in a church that was bigger than my first ministry position church and consistently reaching 175 people, that was a bit much to ask for. I brushed it off and gave the Pastor the benefit of the doubt that he’d somehow misunderstood.

Also, we’d later find out that the Elder and his Worship Director wife leaving was because of serious conduct issue with the Remaining leadership running the church. They DID NOT agree with how the church was being ran and left. There was a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes.

So, it ended up the Pastor came and asked me to run a worship team under the headship of this Elder, the new director of Worship. I offered all my years of experience but it was dismissed at every turn. The current volunteers were divided up into three teams and rules and guidelines were put in place.

Within a month, my team members were being borrowed and overworked by the director and it left me scrambling to fill slots. I had me, my two children and a single male singer that were consistent and available, yet the rules stated I could only lead maximum 2 out of 4 to 5 songs. I kept trying to talk to and reason with the Elder/Director to give me a guitar player and some more singers. His own team had grown to over 13 people and he required that every new member to the worship department be on his team for at least 3 months. Meanwhile, I ran my team on a skeleton crew. The other worship leader was fortunate to have 8 people on his team, which also included his wife and two children.

So there was this very big, extremely obvious power struggle going on. It was like the silent war against me and my family and privately, when no one was looking, this Elder got pretty nasty and condescending.

  

There were a few times that Geoff and I went to the Lead Pastor/Elder for advice and help. Also we expressed concerns over the fact that one of the Elders was on deployment and the only active longterm Elder/Worship Director lived upon the Pastor’s property. We felt like that was a serious conflict of interest and if the Pastor were to be caught in sin, who would hold him accountable? Surely, not the Elder living on his property who could be evicted just because of offense. Two other Elders had stepped down recently and then one Elder was brand new. But within just a month more that Elder too stepped down.

Recap of recent years: Prelude to Spiritual Abuse from another church

My heart is a bit heavy and prayerful today. Yesterday, I ran into, at my new church, a beautiful couple who had stood by me 9 years ago. It brought up all the memories and resurfaced the recent hurt my New husband and I had just gone through just 9 months ago when we left a toxic church. Yesterday, and this morning, before he went off to work, we found ourselves comparing my experiences from 10 years ago to our experiences 9 months ago and the similarities between them.

For months I’ve considered restarting this blog, because after going through spiritual abuse yet again, I realize how pervasive it is and how centered it is upon false teaching.

But I’ll back this train up a bit and go into a bit of background of my life over the years because it’s been a bit of a roller coaster. There’s loss, heartbreak, love, victory and a bunch of crazy stuff and yet in the midst, when I said I would never do ministry again, there was ministry and healing.

So, In 2009, October to be specific, I left a very toxic church where the Pastor was not only spiritually abusing me, but sexually harassing me. After I left, there were crazy things that happened like phone calls, lunch and dinner outings with all my friends and them being encouraged by leadership to cut all ties. Then there was the mysterious cut underground electrical line that ran to my air conditioner unit. I didn’t discover it until we went to sell the house as-is to a couple years later. 

My husband (now ex) and I had gone on a cruise the week after we left the church and had come back to discover a non-working central heat and air unit to our house. We had someone come out and they never discovered it and we couldn’t afford to replace the whole system like they suggested, so we purchased window units and moved on with our lives. We never realized. We also never found out who intentionally sabotaged it. It was dug up, then cleanly and purposefully cut.Then there was the Private investigator that hung out, parked across the street in our country, middle of nowhere neighborhood for a week straight. I recognized him from when my former Pastor hired him to investigate his own mother’s boyfriend and then passed out the report among most of the church and literally faxed and mailed it to other pastors who had booked the man to speak at their church. He effectively destroyed that man’s entire ministry.There was also the threatening phone call after I had reported the abuse to higher ups at Rhema Bible institute and to AFCM International by the Pastor’s wife where she yelled and screamed at me promising I’d see cursing upon my life.

I hate to admit it, but all of that, coupled with other incidents, like having people spy on me and phone calls to every church I visited, had me fearful to leave the house for almost a year.

BUT…. It was a training ground that lead me to recognize other abusive church tendencies and call attention to and speak out boldly!

After the church in 2009, I went on to enter back into ministry on staff at a church plant in 2011. I was there for 4 years until I stepped down in an attempt to save my marriage. I wasn’t able to do so, since my now ex husband, was having multiple affairs and refused to repent and seek out counseling. I had also suffered domestic violence at times and as a dutiful wife I stayed and prayed for too long. In 2015, I divorced him and was done with his affairs and abuse.

I briefly helped out a church in the midst of my divorce for a few months until complaints started circulating that I didn’t sing the hymns old school enough. The treasurer kept refusing to pay me my wage and so after my experience with my first staff position, the abuse of power prompted me to walk. I’m still in good standing with that Pastor today. Poor guy just had a jerk family who ran the church and wanted their own personal agenda and I wasn’t going to stand by and have my kids eat nothing as a single mom, just because someone didn’t care for how I sang their hymn.

In 2016, I was recruited by a pastor who I met by accident in the grocery store, and he’d coincidentally heard about me, to his church. I visited and checked out his church, and got drug up on stage that same Sunday with no preparation. That next week he offered me a staff position and asked me to mentor a young man who had little experience leading worship but had great potential. I agreed and waited patiently to be brought on payroll. Little did I know the same offer was brought to the young man. During the course of the few months I was there I discovered some real issues and my prior experience with spiritual abuse was again my red flag indicator! There were some incidents that happened and I was very cautious as a single woman in that church as it was full of single men involved in a men’s rehab center. I was NEVER alone with any man ever and my teenage son acted almost like a bouncer. I was extremely intentional about protecting my integrity around these recovering addicts and even the pastor who ran the program as he was former alcoholic. My past with my former husband, an alcoholic, made me cautious in my dealings with every man in that church.

I was asked out on a date by a guy 10 years my younger and of course I turned him down. Well that apparently stirred up a whole hornets nest and malicious gossip began because the young man didn’t like being turned down. There was also an incident with one of the pastor’s long time friend who came to visit. He was a pastor from another state and led me to believe he was a single man and asked me out on a date. I accepted, but after the date, even though he seemed charming enough, turned him down for anything further. He was pretty persistent and he’d gone back to his home state and his persistence and promises of connecting me to music industry leaders prompted those spiritual abuse red flags. I googled him and found his beautiful worship leader wife! I exposed it to not only my pastor, but to the man’s wife and to district leaders of his church in the Southern Baptist convention, and with the leaders of the district, brought attention to the Deacons and Elders of that man’s church. My Pastor actually defended his friend’s actions and shortly after preached a scalding sermon about the Jezebel spirit and publicly suggested that the Jezebel spirit attached itself to attractive, single, women. There was only one other single woman in that entire church besides me.

Needless to say, I packed up my equipment, turned in my keys, and walked. Six weeks later that church shut it’s doors. I never said a word to anyone why I left, other than to tell the Secretary/Women’s ministry leader that I was leaving as Sunday’s sermon was divisive and abusive to the body of Christ and that it was false teaching. I handed her the keys and didn’t even step into the building when I did so. I had caught her in the parking lot. I dusted my shoes off before I stepped into my car.

I didn’t talk to any one. I didn’t gossip. Just left.

I chuckle now, because essentially, I just took my toys and went home. I was a single mom, with no one to protect me or stand up for me. I had left an abusive marriage, I wasn’t going to be a part again of an abusive church. I cut everyone from that toxic church off, and chalked it up to more experience and prayed God would lead me to safe church for me and my children. It was months before I learned about the church no longer being in operation. God has a way of doing that I’ve found. The first abusive church I was apart of went from 175 to just a handful of people and has no influence in the area at all now.

Well in May of 2017 I came upon a new church that hadn’t been around long and they were meeting in one of the schools. I immediately felt connected and loved and protected. I needed a safe place. By that time I was done, done, done, with dating! I’d completely given it over to God and put safe guards in place to protect myself and my kids by having any potential suitor go through my Pastor and my friends first. Any man who tried to date me had hoops to jump through. Because of me being a worship leader, many pastors, many false teachers, had tried to date me.

But during that time, God brought the right one along and my good friend Geoff, became the love of my life and it really kinda snuck up on me. He went from just a guy I had met on a dating app a year prior that was way too baptist for me, to a friend on Facebook, then to my musician, funny-as-all-get-out buddy, who was also crazy good at the drums, to my bible study nerd who was just like me. Then suddenly, during a walk down at the marina, discussing what we wanted in a future spouse, it hit me, I was describing him!

There’s a lot more to the love story of course but seven short months later we married.

Just prior to our wedding is where the next serious story of spiritual abuse began and God’s provision to lead us out of there!

09/10/2018 Don't pray for me: Witchcraft in the church

I wrote this post on 9/10/2018 months ago but didn’t post it. I’m choosing to do so now.

Last night there was a simple message sent to my husband, that seemed innocuous at first; harmless in it’s intent and possibly even loving, but something didn’t sit right with me. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but something stank of manipulation and it had me searching scripture today on manipulation, witchcraft and the occult in the church. As I started researching and delving into what the word of God says about witchcraft, I was shocked and concerned and now I know why, such a simple message of “we are praying for you” concerned me so greatly.

That may seem silly. To be so concerned about something that should warm the hearts of most people, knowing that the individual loves and cares so much that they were praying. But what I don’t know, is what exactly were they praying?

I have long suspected this person’s intent and knew them quite intimately for a time, but during the course of that friendship didn’t quite pick up on what set me on edge about this individual's beliefs and what they were teaching in the church. But last night, it hit me what was so “off”. Witchcraft.

Witchcraft has infiltrated into the church in the form of prayer. Witchcraft is simply doing spells or incantations to get a desired outcome over a circumstance, or person. So I googled how to do a spell ...now that was eye opening. It literally involves seeking the gods for that person’s desire to be manifest in the natural world. An individual, will say essentially a prayer, and release it, believing it to be done. Sounds very church like doesn’t it? Some spells or incantations involve rituals or burning of papers or involving shells, some kind of symbolism involved. But the main part, is speaking out loud, the desired outcome, to over ride the Will of another! That desire is the caster imposing their will over that of the One true God, or the will of another individual. Doesn’t that sound like how some people in the church pray? I’ve heard of people naming and claiming their “blessing” of that person, house, job or situation to change in their favor. What if that person isn’t supposed to be that person’s spouse or friend, or business partner? What if that house isn’t God’s will? Oh, clay, can you say to the Potter, how you are supposed to be made?

Can you see how that would be an incantation or spell? Whose desire does it focus on? It focuses 100 percent on self, the desire and wishes of the caster.

Toxic churches and toxic leaders ALWAYS try and impose their Will and Desires upon the congregation in which they lead. The teaching is always that of self, as well as soft on sin, and soft on accountability. Incantation prayers are always used and it seems like these people are praying with such conviction the Will of God. I wish I would have realized this earlier, before I got involved in some of the churches I have in the past. Some will go so far as to rebuke individuals for hindering the “work of God” in their prayers. People will say things like that they are just praying in authority, but I’ve seen and heard people pray their agendas. I’ve even done it!

I, myself am so fearful of God today, that I will more than likely be praying only scripture for a while as I sort out what is my desires and what is God’s. I’m examining my own heart today and whether or not, I pray witchcraft prayers. Am I attempting to force my agenda upon God to do my will, or am I submitting to His will?

So why did that simple message of a woman telling my husband that she was praying for us concern me so greatly? For one, it was a married woman messaging my husband. For two, I’ve prayed often with this woman in the past and recognize in hindsight the prayers of witchcraft that I’ve heard and the false prophecies she’s spoken to manipulate others. I’d rather someone not pray over me and my family, the desires and agenda’s that she wants in place. I’d rather that God’s will be manifest in my family’s lives.