Things quickly changed for me. God totally restored my marriage and my husband started attending church with me. Within a few months of me being at the church I was invited onto the praise team and I was flourishing there. I was making friends. I was volunteering at the church and I was generally involved in almost every ministry there was at the church. Things genuinely seemed good until certain red flags started popping up.
One particular Sunday, after worship team practice, the Pastor’s wife pulled me into one of the offices and began to reprimand me for not honoring her husband, the Pastor. I was completely shocked and mortified. I had no clue what I had done wrong. I genuinely cared about these people and the last thing that I ever wanted to do was hurt or dishonor them. The Pastor’s wife explained to me, as I cried, how dishonorable it was for me to call her husband by his first name and not by the title of Pastor. She explained to me that in my short time at the church that her husband considered me to be like a daughter and as a daughter I should honor him by using his proper title. She demanded that I call him “Pastor”.
Never in my life had I ever just called a Pastor, “Pastor”. With more formal men, who I did not know personally, I would call them Pastor Jones, and if I knew them a little bit more intimately it would be Pastor John. The closer I was in relationship to a Pastor the more lax the title. With some of my old Pastors, I was on a first name basis with them. Of course, out of respect when speaking to someone else I would use their title, but in reality titles never meant much to me. In reality, titles never meant much to my old Pastors either.
I remember sitting there in that office so completely ashamed and humiliated. I was so completely distraught that I couldn’t even sing that morning. I sat there in the congregation, engulfed in my shame, instead of helping to lead worship that morning. Everyone could see I was upset and kept asking me what was wrong. After the service I went to this Pastor and I apologized for not meaning to dishonor him, and his response was that it wasn’t about the title, but it was about the place of authority that I allowed him to be in my life. If I allowed him to be my Pastor, I would be teachable and God could use me.
I called him “Pastor” that day. I cannot forget the look of pride that came over his face as I said it. That day the lasso of control dropped over my head and the rope began to tighten.
This is called tearing you down to build you up in their way. It is the beginning of brainwashing.
ReplyDeleteI have been in both kinds of churches. Sometimes titles of respect are important to a generation. When my parents were small, they always addressed their elders in a proper fashion (Mr., Miss., Reverend, Pastor). Obviously, if this was the way it was communicated, it is over the top. Dishonoring has to do with someone's heart and obviously that wasn't in your heart.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, but when addressing him in front of others I never called my Pastors by their first name only. This reprimand was because I was calling my Pastor by his first name during one on one conversations. From that moment on, he ceased to have a first name in my eyes. In every interaction I had with him, he was "Pastor".
ReplyDeleteThere is a verse in the Bible about not calling others with titles,
ReplyDeletenot calling anyone on earth "father", etc. The Bible indicates we
are all equal brethren (and sistren) with one Father, our Heavenlly
Father. We flow in various gifts Jesus gives us, as different and
unique, yet equal parts of one body.
In my personal opinion this was an overreaction on the part of the
pastor's wife. She could have brought this up nicely and requested
that you address him as pastor, but not shame or humiliate you.
I am reading your blog with great interest having also gone through
some abuse in a wof church. (spiritual abuse occurs in all types
of churches).
God bless you, be healed and loved.
Thank-you for your interest in my blog. I sincerely hope that it helped you in some way, if only just to know that you are not alone. I've seen spiritual abuse in many different denominations and churches and they all have the same thread running through them. Pride. It's been two years since I left that church and my family is stronger than ever before. We are now at a healthy church where I can speak freely, still be used in my gifts and have the freedom to just be me. I no longer wear the mask of marred perfection that I was expected to wear. I'm no longer "too blessed to be stressed", I just am. If I'm having to rely a little more on God's grace because of stress I am free to say so and I love that freedom. I pray you are healing as well and have also found your true freedom in Christ without the legalism and abuse.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless.
I am sorry but that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever hurt. I am appalled that your pastor's wife would be so hurtful to you. You did nothing wrong. I am a pastor's wife and your ability to learn from your pastor begins with HIM humbling himself before the Lord, which it sounds like he needs to.
ReplyDeleteHe is to be your Shepherd, not your god. And God's ability to use you is never based on what you call your pastor, but based on your heart and relationship with the Lord.
Most people call my husband by his first name but some like to call him pastor. I am glad that you have found a church where you are healthy and healing, and I hope you are able to call your pastor by his first name without freaking out! :)