"Friends don't let friends drive drunk"

I heard the quote "friends don't let friends drive drunk" this morning in my pastor's message, and already I had been pondering the question of What is NOT classified as Spiritual Abuse? From Sunday School until this afternoon that question has been rumbling, and turning over in my brain and I realized on this blog I have never answered that question. I have a need to answer that question now because  many people say they have been "hurt by the church". The other morning as I wrote my post on touching an Idol, I realized people no longer tolerate good solid biblical teaching nor do many want it. I've witnessed first hand that people get very uncomfortable around an uncompromising message that pushes the believer to take a stand and  to take action. The Christian world is now full of this watered down gospel that is politically correct, doesn't address sin, or encourage holiness, but preaches this "gospel" of love everyone and be tolerant of sin and many so called "believers" whine and cry, like a baby with a soiled diaper that they've been "hurt by the church" because someone said something they didn't want to hear! Solid biblical teachers get this label of being hateful, and are often called Pharisees for preaching the truth of Scripture.

So let's address that question. What is NOT classified as Spiritual Abuse?
The simple answer is church discipline. What is church discipline? Church discipline is where a person in spiritual authority will address sin in someone's life like in Matthew 18:15-18. We are to go to our brothers and sisters in Christ first privately, and then take two or three witnesses, then address it to the whole church if the brother doesn't repent and we are to treat them like an unbeliever if they do not repent and honestly, according to 1 Corinthians 5, not have fellowship with them. So we are talking about unrepentant sin here. Not some type of offense of carpet color swatches in the church or whether the AC is set too high or low. We aren't talking about some petty offense, we are talking about is your brother or sister in Christ in adultery, or involved in drugs, or drunkenness, or abusing their children or spouse, or being involved in sexual sin of any kind outside of marriage between a man and a woman! I have come to realize that some people leave the church in offense over petty things and some people leave the church because someone cared enough to say something about the dangers of the sin they were involved in.
Ezekiel 33-1-6 talks about the watchman on the wall, and if the watchman sees the encroaching army ready to destroy his city and he sounds the trumpet to warn the people and no one responds, then the watchman is absolved of any guilt; the blood of the people is upon their own heads! Now, if the watchman sees the army, does nothing, and says nothing and the people die, then the watchman is guilty of the deaths of every living soul that was slaughtered. They never stood a chance because they didn't know.
Teachers and Preachers are the watchman standing upon the city wall. Your friends should be a watchman in your life as well. If they love you and care for you, would they not pull you back, yanking you away from a precipice that you were about to stumble and plummet to your death?
Romans 6:23 says: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, just focusing on that first part "the wages of sin of death". If you work for Sin, the payment is death. You will experience death in all your relationships. If you don't believe this is true, then take a few minutes and ask the spouse or child of an alcoholic and ask them if they have a loving, beneficial relationship with their alcoholic spouse or parent. That sin of drunkenness robbed them of a life giving, beneficial relationship and you won't find a person alive that says that sin didn't pay with a slow, agonizing death because that person was a slave to it's master, drunkenness. It not only kills relationships, but it kills the host as well!
I tell my kids all the time that sin, unrepentant sin, is a slow death to every relationship in your life. I watched it kill my first marriage with his porn addiction and his drunkenness. His relationship with me ended and his relationship with his children is shallow at best! His continued service to his Sins, produced all manner of death, in the form of more sin, abuse, adultery and addiction.
So back on task. So if I'm a watchman, a friend, a person in relationship, or even in some type of authority in your life and I say to you, "my friend, my brother, I see that this sin in your life is going to cause calamity, and I see the cliff that you are heading towards and I'm warning you, my dear friend that disaster is imminent" and you turn your back on me in favor of your sin, in complete rebellion, what I did for you was not spiritual abuse, but a loving act of kindness. I cared enough for you, to warn you and to keep you from harms way. This is love, especially if I risk not having relationship with you by telling you the truth!  Then scripture calls us to cut fellowship, as hard as that is for us to do if we walk in obedience. More often than not though, the unrepentant brother will leave the church in offense claiming he or she was spiritually abused or "hurt by the church".
Are you that brother or sister who left in offense because someone confronted your sin?

I honestly can say that I did not leave any church because I was confronted with my sin and unrepentant. This is a question we have to ask ourselves when we talk about "church hurt". Was I in unrepentant sin, or did I leave because of real abuse?

Just so there's clarity, there was a "church discipline" meeting with the leaders of my old church and my husband concerning me, and I'm certain the leaders felt justified in their attack, but it wasn't done biblically and there were no witnesses either, just false accusations. We tried to bring correction and discipline numerous times to the leadership of that church with witnesses and I did go to them numerous times personally, but nothing was ever done about and they were unrepentant. Many of us did. There were emails that bore testimony, text messages, eye witness personal accounts and yet all of it was dismissed. The only thing left was to bring it forth in front of the congregation which none of us who left had opportunity to do.

One thing I know for sure, is there can be no reconciliation without repentance. We can't even be reconciled to God without repentance and a true believer's life is characterized by that of repentance. We cannot have salvation without repentance.
Church discipline is meant to bring about repentance and reconciliation and the whole reason it's brought before the church is so that the person can fully see the weight of that lost fellowship with not only God, but with their brothers and sisters in Christ. It should tear at their hearts and in an abuse situation church discipline isn't about love, but control and that is truly how you see the difference.

I'll end with this: There was a woman, in an abusive church, who was getting bogged down with all the many responsibilities the church had weighted her down with. She was being abused and taken advantage of by the ministry director she was under and this man spoke to her regularly with disdain and insisted she be there, rain or shine, sickness or health, and even putting her family's well being aside to do this person's will. She was a very useful and knowledgeable person in this ministry, but she wasn't the only one who could do the task; she was just the most pliable. So tiring of the abuse, lies and manipulation under the hand of this director, she went to the Pastor's wife and said that wanted to step down from doing that ministry for a while as she was burnt out. The Pastor's wife told her she was in sin for stepping down and the "Lord" had told her so. There was no sin in this woman. What was Sin was the Pastor's wife manipulating and using witchcraft and false prophecy to control this woman and force her will upon another. The woman was so defeated that she went back to doing the very ministry she was tired from, even more burdened, now believing she was under the yoke of sin, if she didn't do it because someone lied and said "God said" when He never said. She is now more burdened than she was prior, and is now in bondage to a works based salvation. She must keep participating in this ministry or risk "being in sin".
That story is spiritual abuse. In both my case and the case of this other women, a false form of church discipline was used as a form of control.
Discern though rightly, whether someone is coming to you in love because you are involved in a sinful lifestyle, or whether this is abusive control? Not every correction or confrontation in the church is spiritual abuse.