Common theme: Unrepentance!

So out of all the churches that I've witnessed spiritual abuse in there is a very common theme of unrepentant leaders. I've talked to many, many leaders and former volunteers from many abusive churches across this nation and in other nations and the theme of unrepentance never ever changes. In both churches that I was a part of, the one I left in 2009 and the one I left in 2018, I (or my husband) had confronted leadership and they were completely unrepentant and didn't acknowledge their ongoing sin.
There's also a theme of sexual perversion in a lot of cases. Pastors preying on young women is a common theme that I've heard from multiple people, in multiple churches, but it's not always the Pastor, but the pastor's wife that has been  involved in some of the cases I've heard of. Also controlling aspects of ones finances is another common thread. I've heard stories about forcing people to take lesser paying jobs, or selling their homes and moving onto Pastor controlled property. I've heard about covenants being signed to tithe certain amounts. I could tell story after story of spiritual abuse.

In every person's story, there was always a confrontation, exposing the Leader's sin, them not repenting and the victim being forced to leave and the abuse continues, to someone else.

Something else that is common is an attempt to lure the victims back into the fold! I have talked to spiritual abuse victims and it's common that they get messages for months, even years after, trying to get them to come back. It's usually the ones that didn't make a big fuss when they left. They will prey on the less outspoken one of a couple. I chuckle because no one has ever tried to lure me back because I'm way to vocal and I think they know it! My willingness to be transparent and poke the bear with my story and knowledge of spiritual abuse makes me an unlikely candidate to come back. But the Pastor's wife did try to lure my husband back. He's nicer than I am! I'll flat out tell someone they are manipulating and call them out on it. It's rare that I do that and I've only done it less than a handful of times but for some reason people see that about me and don't test that. Now with my husband, they underestimate him completely; He will confront them, they just don't think he will!
Anyway....I've watched some Pastors try and lure their victims back in with statements like, "I'm only hard on the ones with the most potential", "you're like a son/daughter/brother/sister to me", or they will use flattery about your gifts or talents and how they can't do stuff without you (I got that one before I left, not after).
Another tactic that an abusive Leader will use to lure you back in is using your common friends who are still attending to try and bring "reconciliation".
We had that happen to us. A couple tried to bring reconciliation between us and the Pastor and his wife about 2 months after we had left the church. They talked to us and we told them our story and our "why we left", but it was extremely clear that they had been told a completely different story as they repeated the rhetoric that the Pastor's wife had tried to feed me in that I'd misunderstood the Director's tone and misheard his words. I quickly corrected them but it was very clear they had been fed a bunch of lies. They pleaded with us that the Pastor and his wife desired reconciliation, but we both asked them point blank, then why did the Pastor give a very heated NO, when Geoff had pleaded with him for that very thing. Geoff had asked for the Pastor to meet with me and he vehemently refused! We asked them if they wanted restoration why had they refused a meeting to do so and why hadn't they reached out to us themselves. We also told them about the Pastor's wife's comments on facebook of "Praise God, he pruned our vine", and me sending screenshots to the pastor and his lack of response. If they had wanted to truly reconcile, we had given them numerous chances; four chances in fact. One with the initial confrontation before men's group, two with our resignation letter, another with my text to the pastor about his wife's behavior on facebook and lastly, when they returned our equipment. You could even count a fifth time when they returned the missing equipment. Also one of the Elders lives directly behind our house. I can see into their kitchen window from mine! So it's not as if there were all these obstacles to reconciliation that made it impossible, it was that they weren't interested in reconciling in the first place because that would require accountability and repentance.
In order to have reconciliation in any damaged relationship, first their must be repentance, and then accountability for sin. It is impossible to have intimacy and trust without truth.  So without transparency, without truth, without trust, without repentance, without love, it's impossible to have real relationship. If all those things are one sided and the other is only seeking their own gain, just imagine how toxic that relationship would be. What was eventually revealed in our relationships with our former leaders was toxic. We witnessed secrecy, covering of truth, lies and purposeful misinformation, unrepentance and willful, intentional sin, complete selfishness and actions for self gratification at the expense of others and all of those things are not godly, nor are they beneficial or healthy in any way. So, after praying we knew that reconciliation wasn't going to happen. We just felt so deeply grieved that our friends were so deceived. So we stepped back from our friendships with those still at that church, and stayed silent to them, instead pouring out our petitions for their safety from spiritual abuse to the Lord.