October 2009 - Coming to the end

As the craziness was unfolding I had three people inside the church, besides my husband, who I confided in, the Youth Pastor and his wife, and one of my team members. With them I would discuss the issues as they arose and ask for advice and guidance. Outside of the church, I had my parents and eventually a professional counselor who gave free counseling to Pastors. If I hadn’t have had these people in my life at that time, lifting me up in prayer and keeping my confidence I would have gone crazy like the Pastors were saying I already was.

The situation was getting so out of control that my own Pastor informed a disgruntled praise team member that he was planning on firing me and had this person as a mole on my praise team to report back information to him. This person eventually felt bad and informed me of my Pastors plan.
The craziness had to end. There were secret meetings going on with plots being hatched behind closed doors. The Pastors wife kept coming to talk to me to persuade me that all this would stop if we just would say we weren’t going to have another baby and we’d stop looking for jobs out of state. She tried numerous times to convince me that I would be back in their good graces if I would just give in to God’s plan for my life. Over and over she told me that it was not God’s will for me to have another child or to leave that church. Every time she would talk to me it was with the stipulation that I not disclose to her husband that she had discussed this with me. She was trying desperately, however misguided, to try and make everything right.

I really felt sorry for her because she really had no idea how twisted everything had become. I knew of the plots against me and I wasn’t willing to roll over and sign over control of my life to my Pastors. The choice of whether or not Chris and I had a baby was ours, not theirs. I couldn’t see any other way but to take my last paycheck and run. There was no way to salvage the relationships that I had built over the last five years no matter how desperately I wanted to keep a hold of them. Soon the tidal wave of my ministry at that church would come crashing to the shore and demolish everything in its path. I almost felt powerless to stop it.

By October, I had been discussing with my confidants the likelihood that I would take my last paycheck, mail my resignation letter the Saturday before my cruise, and then cruise my way into oblivious bliss at the aftermath in my wake, never looking back. I was thinking of tucking tail and running. I knew this was wrong, but I had lost all faith in the decency of my Pastors to the right thing and pay me for the 5 weeks of vacation time that I was owed. The cruise that I was going on was the first actual vacation that my Pastors were going to allow me to go on in the three years that I had been employed there. Every other attempt at a day off had been denied. If I had wanted vacation time, it was required of me to take a vacation between Wednesday after church and Saturday evening, but only if I was going to be fresh and reenergized for service on Sunday. (It was customary for the Pastor to preach to the congregation against “playing too hard on Saturday” because being tired on Sunday meant that you weren’t giving your best to God on Sunday.)Thankfully, my confidants convinced me despite my fears and ever increasing anxiety that no matter how I was being treated that what I was considering was wrong.

By mid October, I had had enough and God finally pulled the trigger and the gun went off, signaling to me that it was time to go. God used a wonderful counsellor, who freely gave of her time to Pastors, as the sounding shot that spurred me into action. Her advice was clear. The church and the vast majority of its members were toxic and cult-like and it was time to cut my losses, turn in my resignation, trust God to sort out my vacation pay, leave, and never look back. She advised me to cut all ties to that church and those who wanted to continue their friendship with me would, but that I should leave the choice to them.

On October 19th, I turned in my resignation.