After I turned in my resignation things just spiraled out of control. I was again told not to say anything to anyone in the church about my resignation. I was told that it was not my place to do so and to inform anyone would be dishonorable to him. So, I kept my resignation to myself, thinking of course, that he would let everyone know on Wednesday anyway. What was two days?
Our regular Tuesday night worship team practice came and the Pastor told the group and warned them not to discuss my leaving outside the team until the rest of the church had been told. Immediately, after the announcement two team members rushed to his side to request a conference with him. All I could see was glee on their faces and it turned my stomach. I could see that by leaving it meant greater favor and perks for those individuals who could in some way fill the vacant slot I was leaving behind. The scramble for my place of favor had begun.
After these individuals had their short meeting, I met one of them in the hallway as they were leaving his office. This person, whom I had once called a friend, couldn’t even look me in the eyes as she rushed past suddenly embarrassed that I had seen her. I knew enough about the inner workings in the church that whatever had been said behind the closed office doors hadn’t been good. I was certain that the parade of turncoats had just begun and it certainly wouldn’t stop with just one or two of my friends. It wasn’t long before the parade included every friend I had ever had while at that church, with the exception of the Youth Pastor and his wife.
Later that night, I received a shock when I saw my closest friend get called into the office. It was after that meeting that I began to see that even she was being “pulled to the dark side”.
I make a joke about it now, but the effects of manipulation are very real. The utter dependency that some people in the church have on their pastors is amazing. Abusive Pastors will knowingly manipulate people’s weaknesses and needs in order to extort from their subjects exactly what they want. In the case of my friend, turning against the Pastors meant that she would be cut off from her lifeline of financial support as she was going through a very tough time financially when all this happened to me. In retrospect, I almost don’t blame her for turning on me the way she did. To go against the Pastors would have meant that she would have lost everything, her family, financial support, her love of music, and even her identity of who she had become over the last 6 years. Losing all of that is a steep price to pay to stand with the truth rather than against injustice. Not everyone is strong enough to stand alone.
Wednesday came and went with no announcement and I was still being required to keep my resignation a secret. Friday came and I had a funeral to play for, but discovered that I had been locked out of all my church music sites so I had to write out all my music my ear and by hand. Also a large box mysteriously appeared in my office. When I asked the associate Pastor about the box he lied and said he didn’t know.
He’s a terrible liar and his face turns the color of a beet when he lies. It’s so obvious.
Sunday arrived and I managed to get through the service despite my butterflies that seemed to be churning butter within my stomach. Surely, today he would make the announcement.
It wasn’t until the very end of the service, after my closing song, as people were beginning to get up and leave that he finally made the announcement. He then invited everyone to join us for cake in the back. His whole announcement took less than two minutes and it was obvious to all that his blessings were utterly devoid of any sincerity.
As he walked to the back of the Sanctuary I walked off the stage and started to speak to the people. From the back of the room, I could see the death threats emanating from my Pastors face and the Associate Pastor paused, as if frozen, bending down to pick up his bible of his chair. Neither one moved as I spoke but I could see the tense muscles of the Associate Pastor like he was ready at any moment to tackle me and take me out if I dared to say anything derogatory. He needn’t have worried. I would have never had hurt my congregation in such a way. The Pastors may not have regarded me as a Pastor to that congregation but I knew God regarded me as a Pastor of that congregation. Woman or not, that congregation had been entrusted into my care by God. Every week, I opened the door as their faithful servant and ushered them into the presence of God.
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