How Things Have Changed

For some reason today I began to contemplate how different my life has been since I left my abusive church. It's a wonder at how free I feel. I have often thought about this but just haven't chosen to write about it in my blog until now. I know I have many anonymous readers out there who might be curious as to how things ended up. They may be trying to decide if the cost is worth leaving their abusive church situation (I know I have some readers from my former church and I hope you weigh my words carefully). Plus I decided to write this post as an encouragement to those who have just come out of a spiritually abusive situation; it does get better. On Wednesday, I began to tell a new member at my church my testimony of how I came through my spiritually abusive situation and the shock at what I went through was expressed with a comment that I've heard many times, "I'm surprised you are still a Christian". Most Pastors and leaders who I've told are all surprised that I'm still serving God and even more shocked that I'm still serving in the ministry. I think back to things I endured and the things that I had once considered "normal" and now I know that those things are not in the gospel or are even appropriate. But before I get into how my life is so different now, I must confess I didn't share the whole story. I left out a very important section. I didn't do it because I'm just now adding to my story now to make it more dramatic or because I'm some sort of drama queen, but I did it because of sheer embarrassment and shame that I didn't see my old Pastor for who he was and what he was doing was wrong. See, my former Pastor was like a father to me and I just couldn't comprehend that this father-figure in my life could ever look at me in an inappropriate way but he did. He also acted inappropriately towards me on numerous occasions and in front of witnesses. My old Pastor sexually harassed me and I was too ashamed to admit it in my blog because honestly, most victims of sexual harassment aren't believed. They are often ridiculed and blamed as if they had somehow brought the abuse upon themselves by dressing or acting provocatively. But anyone who knew me then knows provocative behavior and dress was not in my MO. In fact, sometimes I dressed too conservatively. No one ever saw me wear skirts above my knees and a low cut top was always worn with a conservative cami underneath. Cleavage was NOT in my dress code. My clothes were never tight and my hair was either curled (nothing fancy)or in a pony. Makeup was also minimal. I wasn't wearing flowered peter pan collared dresses that came to the floor mind you, but I was appropriately dressed at all times and would have been welcomed in the vast majority of even the most conservative of religious institutions. So neither my dress nor my mannerisms brought any of this unwanted attention. Now the sexual harassment that I suffered through wasn't the kind where the boss tries to force the employee through direct manipulation to have sex with them. He was much more subtle. It's why I was so embarrassed to even acknowledge to myself that it was even happening. The first time my Pastor said, "if anything ever happened to (insert his wife's name here)I would go for someone in their 30's", my radar should have been going off, but it didn't because not only did he say this in front of the Associate Pastor, but I just couldn't believe that this father-like man of God could ever be referring to me. I didn't want to believe it. But for two years he made this same exact statement, over and over again. He also brought up my breast size over and over again and compared the size of them to those in the youth group (he did this in front of the youth pastor as well). He also came into my office and once asked me about masturbation and if I practiced it. Another time he came into my office and asked me if I would ever have cosmetic surgery on my breasts. We were alone in the church when both of those conversations took place. Then the topper, which really made me realize the harassment was real and not just imagined, was when during a mission trip, he invited me into his bedroom, which I promptly declined and went to read my bible (our hosts had just left the house and we were alone). Then a few weeks later (a week before the miscarriage) he told me I needed to give my husband an ultimatum to get his "life right with God" because my husband wasn't a regular attender so the Pastor told me we were "unequally yoked". He encouraged me to leave my husband and move in with him and his wife because I deserved better. There were tons of other instances where my old Pastor acted inappropriately but I just swept them under the carpet because I just didn't want to believe that my life with the leaders in the church was a complete fraud. I had a great job that I loved and would have done for free because I loved it so much. I could bring my children with me whenever I needed to and I had close friends. I had a family within my church. The church was my total life and support system so it threw me for a loop when that rug was yanked out from underneath me. So now I bet some of you are now going...."ah, I get it now". It all starts to make sense when you add the sexual harassment element into things. It explains his obvious adverse reaction to my pregnancy and the controlling way he tried to dictate my life, marriage, and family by saying it was against God's will for me to have another child. It also explains why (to you readers) he was so adamant at convincing everyone I was crazy and then not allowing me to finish out my two weeks. He was doing everything he could just to discredit me in case the truth ever reared it's ugly head and I chose to speak up. As soon as he knew that his chances were smashed, he could no longer control me, and because we were possibly leaving, he was scrambling to cover all his bases by defaming me from the pulpit and on a one-on-one basis with my friends. But THANK GOD that's over. I no longer have to worry about that and God has fine tuned my spiritual abuse radar and I now call things for what they are I won't tolerate it. Now to how things have changed...Well obviously I no longer have to deal with sexual harassment or manipulative abuse from my Pastor. Even though those things changed immediately for me, since I was pretty much cast out of the church and asked not to return, the healing process has taken a long time. Longer than I would have hoped, but it has happened. On a physical level there was an immediate change in our finances. My old Pastor had said to many people how we would see financial ruin because of our disobedience but the opposite happened. We are not rich mind you, but when you consistently get blessed financially with large raises and opportunities, you know that those condemning statements were not godly in the least. In fact, my husband now makes more now on his own than what we made three and half years ago with both of our incomes. But that change was immediate. As soon as we left that church we saw God bless us. I had been so worried about losing my monthly income but God always knows what he is doing and he's proven himself faithful. I also saw an immediate change in ALL of my relationships. Wow, that was the biggest impact by far! My marriage relationship went through a time of renewal and intense intimacy. We were suddenly "one flesh"(I'm not talking sexually here just that we were finally on the same page). I was no longer allowing my pastor or any one else to trump my husband. I really began to learn what it means to respect my husband. For the first time in years I was actually listening to my husband's spiritual advice instead of demeaning and dismissing him as spiritually inferior. Turns out my husband is a wealth of wisdom. Another relationship that changed was my relationship with my kids. I became so much more relaxed and I grew so much closer to my children and far less critical. I shudder to think what kind of atmosphere my kids would have grown up under had we stayed at that church. Considering that 90% of the youth in my old church who went through their teenage years there were sexually active by the age of 12 or 13 and so many of those youth went through serious identity and sexual orientation crisis's. My son will be 12 tomorrow and I just cannot imagine my little boy being sexually active at his age. I witnessed numerous families ship their troubled teens off to live with some relative because they wouldn't tolerate that sinful behavior in their homes anymore. It makes me grieve to see what these poor teens had to endure. This post is beginning to get rather long and I will post more in a few days, but just know this reader,in all things we have seen the opposite of what was predicted of us by our old leaders. It is OK to leave an abusive church. It will hurt to do so and to leave all your close ties behind, but always remember this one thing....John 3:16, the most famous verse in the Bible...For God so loved... Just stop right there and focus on the love of God. Judge everything by the love of God. The love of God should be your standard, ruler and measurement of all things. And what does Jesus say in John 13:34-35? “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” If you cannot hold up that ruler of love and be able to see the love of God in a ministry then you will want and need to steer clear. All you should ever have to do is ask, "is this love?". If you can't see the love in someone's actions and words consistently than it is not of God. So walk away. No one is perfect but look for the consistency. In my walk with that church the consistent pattern was of: manipulation, greed, lies, illegal activity, questionable money practices, harassment, destroying of marital and family relationships, backbiting, gossip, divulging of confidences, condemnation, reprimands, pride, elitism, judgment, guilt trips to serve and tithe. For those in abusive church situations, think about the last time you spoke to your Pastor and he brought something to your attention. Was any of it based on what was best for you, your family and your spiritual growth? Or was it best for the church or pastor in a monetary way or for you to fill yet another volunteer position? Did your encounter leave you feeling elated and blessed, or overwhelmed and burnt out by yet another expectation? I'd say 90% of my encounters with my old Pastor, where he brought something to my attention, left me feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. It was just one more plate that I had to juggle with impossible expectations. Just go look up Matt 11:28-30. When God asks you to do something he always shoulders the burden and you're just there to walk alongside, but abusive pastors expect you to do their will, not God's, then blame you when the burden becomes too much to handle. Is what your pastor asks you to do his will or God's will?