My parents had made the long eighteen hour drive down from Canada to see me graduate, and that should have been a great time with my family but it wasn’t. I was still required to work and was not allowed any time off. By this time I had just accepted the fact that I was a permanent fixture to the church’s decor and I made excuses for my Pastors as to why I couldn’t afford the time off. I remember my mom being just a little upset that I couldn’t even take the Wednesday night service off to visit with her. I also remember my Pastor speaking his frustration too. His frustrated musings went something like this, “Doesn’t she know how important you are to this church? How can she expect you to take time off when there is no one else who can do what you do? I think your mother is actually upset and angry because she is jealous of you. After all, have you heard her actually say that she was proud of you for completing Bible School?” These are the types of things that I heard for most of my parents visit. These frustrated musings did not stop when they left either.
My Parents quickly became the focus of my Pastors concerns and I was often asked to speak at length about the relationships that had with my parents. These conversations would always end with their exclamation of how they could not believe how my parents were not proud of me. Seeds of how my mother was obviously jealous of me were constantly being planted and the seed that was watered the most was the one that I was their adoptive daughter. They were my new parents and they were proud of me. Slowly, it was like my parents were weeded out of my life by my pastors constant demeaning of them and the relationships that I had with my family. My family was slowly being replaced by my Pastors.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Graduation
June of 2008 was a month of sweet relief. Graduation. It marked the end of my school journey where I had done what no other in my class had done. I had done the work of the ministry and gone to Bible School. I ended up graduating only one tenth shy of the valedictorian and boy, was I glad for that one tenth. I was proud of my accomplishment but the church had invited key people to speak at the graduation and I had the task of making sure that the music was perfect and I only was able to play during half of it. I couldn’t have been valedictorian and do all that I was already doing.
When my mom was told of my one tenth deficit she was actually a little miffed that I hadn’t been recognized for my accomplishment. At that point, I could have cared less. I was just glad to be done.
Bible School had been incredibly tough on me. I had facilitated the classes faithfully and because of it I had been yelled at, abused, and had rumors spread about me by angry students. All of this was because as the facilitator I was required to enforce the rules. My position as Class Facilitator threatened the delicate balance of my position as Worship Pastor on a continuous basis. I was not liked.
What did not help that position was the constant indoctrination of beliefs from the leadership that I should keep myself set apart from my team and from the congregation. The leadership firmly believed that in order to be a good leader, that leader was not friends with whom they led. They believed that the minute that a leader became friends with members of the congregation that is the minute that the respect for the position and respect for the leader was lost. I was constantly being questioned and cautioned about my relationships with those upon my team. The senior pastor particularly did not like me having friendships with people in or outside of the church. I was even questioned about my friends on my facebook page. Some of those people, particularly those who had left the church, I was asked to delete and not have contact with. Slowly, I was being isolated from everyone else except them.
I was alone.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The Wedding and the Jail Cell
When I had been on staff for just over a year I met a wonderful, sweet girl named Bethany and I invited her to join the praise team. She was a fantastic addition to the team who could play the guitar wonderfully and she could sing lead as well as harmony. She was exactly what I needed on my team. Up until that point I had no one who could have covered for me in the event of an illness, crisis, or even a planned vacation. It was like I was in a boat with ten people and I was the only person with an oar to row.
When Bethany joined the team, I was incredibly excited because up until that point I hadn’t had any time off and Bethany was my chance for some much needed R & R. Within weeks of her joining I began preparing her for that very possibility. My goal was to have her ready so that Chris and I could go up to Georgia for a very dear friends wedding at the end of March, 2008.
As the time drew nearer to the wedding, I approached the Pastor about taking that Sunday after the wedding off since the drive would have been a good 8 hours away from where we lived. The Pastor gave me a conditional release to go; the condition was I could go if he felt like Bethany could successfully handle the Sunday morning service on her own. I was completely elated when I heard that because I thought Bethany was doing really well. Her lead vocals were not as strong as my own but she had this sweetness to her worship that was somehow reminiscent of the innocence of a newborn baby. There was this intoxicating fresh quality in how she sang, which was completely different from my own bold style. I honestly thought that the Pastor would appreciate that about her and allow me to go.
A few days before I was to leave, I again approached the Pastor about the upcoming wedding. I fully expected for him to allow me to go as I hadn’t had a single day off in over a year. Instead I was completely shocked and disappointed as he refused my request for the Sunday off. He told me I could still go to the wedding if I could ensure that I would be back by Sunday morning and fully rested for the next day. I felt completely crushed as I heard him speak. Who could reasonably travel with two young children, eight hours in car, attend a wedding and visit with people who you haven’t been able to visit with in years, and then turn around and drive home another eight hours. There was just no way that we could possibly do that. As I sat there and contemplated what he had just said, it was like the very air was being sucked out of my lungs and the room was closing in around me. I felt trapped. It was like the door slammed shut on my cell and there was no escape and at that moment I knew it. I had signed over my fate when I failed to speak up and it was like I no longer held the title to my own life. Somehow the title had been transferred into his hand. He owned me.
That moment began a time of intense favor, but with that favor came the chains of control.
Behind Closed Doors
It wasn’t long after I started on staff that I began to question the types of things that went on behind closed doors. I noticed that gossip was a way of life within the leadership. At first this really bothered me, but as I became accustomed to its frequency I crumpled under the pressure to conform and I soon joined right in. I began to rationalize away the concerns that I had about the massive gossip issue that any outsider would have immediately identified as wrong. I kept thinking that if my stress in ministry was any indication then the stresses of my leaders must be so much greater than my own, so they must need to vent their frustrations like they did. I quickly rationalized away every prick to my heart about what my leaders and I were doing as we sat around every day and discussed the “issues” in the congregation. The worst part of it was the gossip train soon had more passenger cars added to its line.
People within the core group of the congregation were soon in the know about each other and every other congregation member. Secrets were no longer secret. I soon knew of who had had affairs on their spouses, who had committed tax evasion and had almost gone to prison, and which people had been kicked out of prior churches before landing at ours… I soon knew every nasty detail about every congregation member’s life and so did everyone else within the inner circle.
Another issue that I noticed was how past members and past staff were discussed. When I started working at the church it had been open three and half years and in that time one worship leader had resigned, the youth pastor/worship leader had been fired and a volunteer secretary had been asked to resign. These three ex-staff members had left the church and moved on, yet the leadership discussed them on a continual basis. Horrible things were said about them constantly. Statements about their character, integrity and mental capacity were always being made. There wasn’t a week that went by when these poor people weren’t discussed.
People who had left the church were also discussed as well. Early on in the ministry, before I was staff, there had been a deacon board and one of the deacons had accused the Pastor of misappropriation of funds. The Pastors response was to dissolve the deacon board. After that, one by one, every single deacon left the church. Every time another ex-deacon would leave, the same story of how the Pastor was falsely accused would be rehashed and this time the newest member of the “I left the church club” would be defamed and gossiped about. It wasn’t just that way about the deacons either. Anyone who left the church for any reason was bashed and talked ill about (except if they happened to move to another state). Some people were deemed as backsliders, some were labeled as un-teachable, some were described as having some form of mental illness, and even some were suspected as having some form of demonic oppression or possession. The theme of all the labeling soon became very obvious; the church was never at fault, only the ex-members.
I wish I could say that the gossip was only limited to happening behind closed doors but it wasn’t. It happened from the pulpit as well. Names would of course be left out when leaders were preaching, but it was always obvious to most of the congregation who was being discussed and it was never in a positive light. These gossiped about people were used as constant fodder for examples of how not to live our lives. There were many times when entire sermons were made up of these types of stories with the occasional scripture thrown in. At times it was like the scripture was thrown in there as a stamp of approval to justify the behavior that was happening from the pulpit. Most of the time, we all sat back, shook our heads in approval and laughed.
The Newest Staff Member
It was now September of 2006, and school was in full swing. Along with keeping up with my other volunteer responsibilities at the church I was now in school and helping to facilitate the classes. I was now spending so many hours at the church that my husband was beginning to complain about never seeing me. At this point, I had been attending that church for two years and the only service I had ever missed was when I was in Trinidad and Tobago.
Around that time I was also feeling this burning desire to be launched into ministry. I knew that somehow, just around the corner a ministry opportunity was there for me and I could not wait to see what it was. Little did I know how very difficult full-time ministry really was. There is a huge difference between being a volunteer and being the leader, especially in this church.
In October of 2006 the unthinkable happened. Scandal struck our church and the current worship leader and youth pastor was fired from his position and suddenly, without warning, the task of leading worship for the congregation fell to me. This is where the real journey of spiritual abuse began.
The first few months were awful, difficult, and filled with strife. There were constant battles to be dealt with because of my lack of experience, my lack of actual piano training and people did not accept my transition from volunteer to staff very well at all. One moment, I was just one of the group and the next I was the person who everyone relied on to “make it happen”.
One of my major problems was that I struggled with faster paced songs. I didn’t have a guitarist to cover up my lack of skill to carry the kind of fast paced praise songs that the Pastor was demanding. So I spent hours upon hours playing songs along with the CD’s so that I could master the rhythm needed to successfully carry the song as the lead instrument. In those early days of ministry, it was not uncommon for me to spend at least 8 hours playing the same song over and over. I was dedicated to succeeding. The constant rebukes and whispers that went on behind my back that said that I couldn’t do it only fueled my desire to prove them wrong.
Four months into my new position as Worship leader, the Pastor delivered a devastating blow. He sat me down and told me that I was not making enough progress in the faster paced songs so he was going to have an old worship leader, who had resigned just the year before, play the praise songs for me. He very plainly told me that despite the long hours of practicing that he knew that I was doing, he did not think that I was capable of ever playing those songs. He believed it was beyond my ability.
Later that week, I tried to resign but somehow he convinced me to stay. He praised me for my ability to lead the people in worship but continued to insist that fast paced songs were beyond my ability. He praised me for my obvious progress and skill at leading worship then followed it with a statement of amazement that I had made it this far. He never believed that I would have lasted this long. He told me it was his wife who believed in me and thought I would be a great worship leader one day, but he never saw those qualities in me. He thought I was a good leader behind the microphone, but not from the keyboard and it was ok to admit defeat and my lack of skill on my instrument of choice. Then he graciously allowed and encouraged me stay on as staff because he now saw some potential in me despite my lack of skill. I suddenly felt so grateful that I was given the opportunity to be on his staff. I felt so unworthy to be there as a staff member that I again was crying in that office.
I left that office even more determined to succeed at those faster paced praise songs. I was grateful that I still had my job but I failed to realize in that moment that I had just been masterly manipulated. Telling me that I couldn’t do something was the exact button to push to make me prove that I could. The manipulation may have worked but manipulating people is not godly. Manipulation is never love.
Around that time I was also feeling this burning desire to be launched into ministry. I knew that somehow, just around the corner a ministry opportunity was there for me and I could not wait to see what it was. Little did I know how very difficult full-time ministry really was. There is a huge difference between being a volunteer and being the leader, especially in this church.
In October of 2006 the unthinkable happened. Scandal struck our church and the current worship leader and youth pastor was fired from his position and suddenly, without warning, the task of leading worship for the congregation fell to me. This is where the real journey of spiritual abuse began.
The first few months were awful, difficult, and filled with strife. There were constant battles to be dealt with because of my lack of experience, my lack of actual piano training and people did not accept my transition from volunteer to staff very well at all. One moment, I was just one of the group and the next I was the person who everyone relied on to “make it happen”.
One of my major problems was that I struggled with faster paced songs. I didn’t have a guitarist to cover up my lack of skill to carry the kind of fast paced praise songs that the Pastor was demanding. So I spent hours upon hours playing songs along with the CD’s so that I could master the rhythm needed to successfully carry the song as the lead instrument. In those early days of ministry, it was not uncommon for me to spend at least 8 hours playing the same song over and over. I was dedicated to succeeding. The constant rebukes and whispers that went on behind my back that said that I couldn’t do it only fueled my desire to prove them wrong.
Four months into my new position as Worship leader, the Pastor delivered a devastating blow. He sat me down and told me that I was not making enough progress in the faster paced songs so he was going to have an old worship leader, who had resigned just the year before, play the praise songs for me. He very plainly told me that despite the long hours of practicing that he knew that I was doing, he did not think that I was capable of ever playing those songs. He believed it was beyond my ability.
Later that week, I tried to resign but somehow he convinced me to stay. He praised me for my ability to lead the people in worship but continued to insist that fast paced songs were beyond my ability. He praised me for my obvious progress and skill at leading worship then followed it with a statement of amazement that I had made it this far. He never believed that I would have lasted this long. He told me it was his wife who believed in me and thought I would be a great worship leader one day, but he never saw those qualities in me. He thought I was a good leader behind the microphone, but not from the keyboard and it was ok to admit defeat and my lack of skill on my instrument of choice. Then he graciously allowed and encouraged me stay on as staff because he now saw some potential in me despite my lack of skill. I suddenly felt so grateful that I was given the opportunity to be on his staff. I felt so unworthy to be there as a staff member that I again was crying in that office.
I left that office even more determined to succeed at those faster paced praise songs. I was grateful that I still had my job but I failed to realize in that moment that I had just been masterly manipulated. Telling me that I couldn’t do something was the exact button to push to make me prove that I could. The manipulation may have worked but manipulating people is not godly. Manipulation is never love.
Am I lazy? Reprimand # 3
The months were flying by and I was busier at the church then I had ever been. I was volunteering in children’s church, co-leading the junior youth, leading a dance team, starting a youth band, volunteering on the worship team, leading worship for the Thursday prayer meeting, and leading worship for the occasional Wednesday service. I was involved! And to top it all off, the Leadership were talking about opening up a Bible School and they asked me to facilitate the classes in exchange for my tuition. I gladly agreed because it was my heart to minister and I desperately wanted to go to Bible school.
I had previously attended a Bible School right after High School that was supposed to get accredited but it never did. So I had spent two years earning a degree and paying tuition for a degree that was not worth the paper it was printed on. I looked at this new added challenge of going to an accredited Bible School as my chance to finally get the education in ministry that I had been longing for since I was a teenager. But just as school was about to start, I was again called into the office for a reprimand.
This time I was brought into the office with the Pastor and Associate Pastor. The Pastor began to speak with me quite harshly with what seemed like a prepared speech, complete with scripture to prove his point. 2 Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”
Right after the mission trip in December of 2005, I had a meeting with my boss who explained to me that he could no longer employ me because of the economic downturn that was happening in the housing market. The housing market bubble had popped and people were no longer buying homes, or the much needed insurance that goes with the purchase of a new home. I had gotten laid off.
When I got laid off, I immediately pulled my children from daycare because we could no longer, on one income, afford to keep them there. When this happened I lost both my slots in the local daycare at the reduced rate of the part-time status that I had negotiated upon when I first started working. Since it would cost double the amount than it had previously cost to place our children back in daycare that would allow me to work, my husband and I both decided it would be best if I stayed home and cared for our two children. It just wasn’t economical for us to pay the increased rate of daycare when my paycheck, after expenses, would be less than 80 dollars a week. Once we included the extra cost of gas into the expenses of my working, I would have essentially been working for free. There was no economical benefit to my working outside of the home. Besides, my children were 2 and 4 at the time when I stopped working. It was much more beneficial for our kids for me to be at home.
I tried to explain all of this to my Pastor as I sat there dumfounded that he was essentially calling me lazy. He made me feel so guilty for being a stay at home mom. He said things that were hurtful, like I was blessed to have a husband to take care of me and I shouldn’t impose upon my husband like that. He even insinuated that my husband might leave me if I didn’t contribute more financially to our marriage. I cried, yet again, as I was made to feel ashamed. I left that office promising them that I would go out the next week and go look for a job. My heart was incredibly heavy as I cried out to God when I left the church that day. “Why Lord? If I am doing all these things, in this church, in Your name, why is being a mom and servant not enough?”
It wasn’t until years later that that I received the answer to that question. God’s requirements and man’s requirements are very different.
I had previously attended a Bible School right after High School that was supposed to get accredited but it never did. So I had spent two years earning a degree and paying tuition for a degree that was not worth the paper it was printed on. I looked at this new added challenge of going to an accredited Bible School as my chance to finally get the education in ministry that I had been longing for since I was a teenager. But just as school was about to start, I was again called into the office for a reprimand.
This time I was brought into the office with the Pastor and Associate Pastor. The Pastor began to speak with me quite harshly with what seemed like a prepared speech, complete with scripture to prove his point. 2 Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”
Right after the mission trip in December of 2005, I had a meeting with my boss who explained to me that he could no longer employ me because of the economic downturn that was happening in the housing market. The housing market bubble had popped and people were no longer buying homes, or the much needed insurance that goes with the purchase of a new home. I had gotten laid off.
When I got laid off, I immediately pulled my children from daycare because we could no longer, on one income, afford to keep them there. When this happened I lost both my slots in the local daycare at the reduced rate of the part-time status that I had negotiated upon when I first started working. Since it would cost double the amount than it had previously cost to place our children back in daycare that would allow me to work, my husband and I both decided it would be best if I stayed home and cared for our two children. It just wasn’t economical for us to pay the increased rate of daycare when my paycheck, after expenses, would be less than 80 dollars a week. Once we included the extra cost of gas into the expenses of my working, I would have essentially been working for free. There was no economical benefit to my working outside of the home. Besides, my children were 2 and 4 at the time when I stopped working. It was much more beneficial for our kids for me to be at home.
I tried to explain all of this to my Pastor as I sat there dumfounded that he was essentially calling me lazy. He made me feel so guilty for being a stay at home mom. He said things that were hurtful, like I was blessed to have a husband to take care of me and I shouldn’t impose upon my husband like that. He even insinuated that my husband might leave me if I didn’t contribute more financially to our marriage. I cried, yet again, as I was made to feel ashamed. I left that office promising them that I would go out the next week and go look for a job. My heart was incredibly heavy as I cried out to God when I left the church that day. “Why Lord? If I am doing all these things, in this church, in Your name, why is being a mom and servant not enough?”
It wasn’t until years later that that I received the answer to that question. God’s requirements and man’s requirements are very different.
God Called Me!
The mission trip was truly great and I felt the Call of God upon my life like never before. I knew as I ministered to those people on foreign soil that ministering is what I was made to do. I was coming into my own and I preached my very first sermon to those precious Indian people. God moved upon their hearts as I spoke. Woman after woman approached me and spoke about what an encouragement I had been to their hearts. I spent a long time praying and encouraging each one as they came to me. No one could have told me at that moment that I was not called to be a minister of the gospel. That trip placed a seed in my heart that refused to die.
Soon after getting home, and back into the swing of things, God opened this amazing door for me to move into my calling. Our regular worship leader was out on Thursday and was not able to play the piano for our prayer service. I did not usually attend the Thursday prayer meetings but that particular day I was there and just tinkering around on the piano in the sanctuary. As I was tinkering, the Pastor’s wife noticed me and asked me to play for the prayer meeting that day. I thought it was fantastic. It had been a few years since I had lead worship anywhere and my last attempt had gone terribly awry, so I was eager to get my feet wet playing and singing in such a relaxed setting. With only a few people attending the prayer meeting and the focus on prayer and not me, I thought that was just what I needed to not feel nervous.
I began to play and as I did it was like this river just started to flow out of me that was mixed with scented perfume. It was like this scented river flowed directly to the throne of God. I received the shock of my life as God began to use me in worship like He never had before, and as I looked around the room at all the prostrate people I was amazed at what God was doing, through me! The Pastor’s wife soon got up and began to prophecy that this day was my beginning in ministry and I should never forget that day.
I have never forgotten that day and it is the one day that God reminds me of when I ask Him why I went through the pain and agony of Spiritual Abuse. He reminds me of February 2, 2006 as the day that I began to walk into what He had called me to do. He called me in that church. Then He called me out of that church. There was purpose for me in that church. There is a purpose for me out of that church. The purpose for me out of that church is greater than the purpose for me in that church. That church was just my beginning, not my ending.
Soon after getting home, and back into the swing of things, God opened this amazing door for me to move into my calling. Our regular worship leader was out on Thursday and was not able to play the piano for our prayer service. I did not usually attend the Thursday prayer meetings but that particular day I was there and just tinkering around on the piano in the sanctuary. As I was tinkering, the Pastor’s wife noticed me and asked me to play for the prayer meeting that day. I thought it was fantastic. It had been a few years since I had lead worship anywhere and my last attempt had gone terribly awry, so I was eager to get my feet wet playing and singing in such a relaxed setting. With only a few people attending the prayer meeting and the focus on prayer and not me, I thought that was just what I needed to not feel nervous.
I began to play and as I did it was like this river just started to flow out of me that was mixed with scented perfume. It was like this scented river flowed directly to the throne of God. I received the shock of my life as God began to use me in worship like He never had before, and as I looked around the room at all the prostrate people I was amazed at what God was doing, through me! The Pastor’s wife soon got up and began to prophecy that this day was my beginning in ministry and I should never forget that day.
I have never forgotten that day and it is the one day that God reminds me of when I ask Him why I went through the pain and agony of Spiritual Abuse. He reminds me of February 2, 2006 as the day that I began to walk into what He had called me to do. He called me in that church. Then He called me out of that church. There was purpose for me in that church. There is a purpose for me out of that church. The purpose for me out of that church is greater than the purpose for me in that church. That church was just my beginning, not my ending.
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