So out of all the churches that I've witnessed spiritual abuse in there is a very common theme of unrepentant leaders. I've talked to many, many leaders and former volunteers from many abusive churches across this nation and in other nations and the theme of unrepentance never ever changes. In both churches that I was a part of, the one I left in 2009 and the one I left in 2018, I (or my husband) had confronted leadership and they were completely unrepentant and didn't acknowledge their ongoing sin.
There's also a theme of sexual perversion in a lot of cases. Pastors preying on young women is a common theme that I've heard from multiple people, in multiple churches, but it's not always the Pastor, but the pastor's wife that has been involved in some of the cases I've heard of. Also controlling aspects of ones finances is another common thread. I've heard stories about forcing people to take lesser paying jobs, or selling their homes and moving onto Pastor controlled property. I've heard about covenants being signed to tithe certain amounts. I could tell story after story of spiritual abuse.
In every person's story, there was always a confrontation, exposing the Leader's sin, them not repenting and the victim being forced to leave and the abuse continues, to someone else.
Something else that is common is an attempt to lure the victims back into the fold! I have talked to spiritual abuse victims and it's common that they get messages for months, even years after, trying to get them to come back. It's usually the ones that didn't make a big fuss when they left. They will prey on the less outspoken one of a couple. I chuckle because no one has ever tried to lure me back because I'm way to vocal and I think they know it! My willingness to be transparent and poke the bear with my story and knowledge of spiritual abuse makes me an unlikely candidate to come back. But the Pastor's wife did try to lure my husband back. He's nicer than I am! I'll flat out tell someone they are manipulating and call them out on it. It's rare that I do that and I've only done it less than a handful of times but for some reason people see that about me and don't test that. Now with my husband, they underestimate him completely; He will confront them, they just don't think he will!
Anyway....I've watched some Pastors try and lure their victims back in with statements like, "I'm only hard on the ones with the most potential", "you're like a son/daughter/brother/sister to me", or they will use flattery about your gifts or talents and how they can't do stuff without you (I got that one before I left, not after).
Another tactic that an abusive Leader will use to lure you back in is using your common friends who are still attending to try and bring "reconciliation".
We had that happen to us. A couple tried to bring reconciliation between us and the Pastor and his wife about 2 months after we had left the church. They talked to us and we told them our story and our "why we left", but it was extremely clear that they had been told a completely different story as they repeated the rhetoric that the Pastor's wife had tried to feed me in that I'd misunderstood the Director's tone and misheard his words. I quickly corrected them but it was very clear they had been fed a bunch of lies. They pleaded with us that the Pastor and his wife desired reconciliation, but we both asked them point blank, then why did the Pastor give a very heated NO, when Geoff had pleaded with him for that very thing. Geoff had asked for the Pastor to meet with me and he vehemently refused! We asked them if they wanted restoration why had they refused a meeting to do so and why hadn't they reached out to us themselves. We also told them about the Pastor's wife's comments on facebook of "Praise God, he pruned our vine", and me sending screenshots to the pastor and his lack of response. If they had wanted to truly reconcile, we had given them numerous chances; four chances in fact. One with the initial confrontation before men's group, two with our resignation letter, another with my text to the pastor about his wife's behavior on facebook and lastly, when they returned our equipment. You could even count a fifth time when they returned the missing equipment. Also one of the Elders lives directly behind our house. I can see into their kitchen window from mine! So it's not as if there were all these obstacles to reconciliation that made it impossible, it was that they weren't interested in reconciling in the first place because that would require accountability and repentance.
In order to have reconciliation in any damaged relationship, first their must be repentance, and then accountability for sin. It is impossible to have intimacy and trust without truth. So without transparency, without truth, without trust, without repentance, without love, it's impossible to have real relationship. If all those things are one sided and the other is only seeking their own gain, just imagine how toxic that relationship would be. What was eventually revealed in our relationships with our former leaders was toxic. We witnessed secrecy, covering of truth, lies and purposeful misinformation, unrepentance and willful, intentional sin, complete selfishness and actions for self gratification at the expense of others and all of those things are not godly, nor are they beneficial or healthy in any way. So, after praying we knew that reconciliation wasn't going to happen. We just felt so deeply grieved that our friends were so deceived. So we stepped back from our friendships with those still at that church, and stayed silent to them, instead pouring out our petitions for their safety from spiritual abuse to the Lord.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Sunday, September 1, 2019
"Friends don't let friends drive drunk"
I heard the quote "friends don't let friends drive drunk" this morning in my pastor's message, and already I had been pondering the question of What is NOT classified as Spiritual Abuse? From Sunday School until this afternoon that question has been rumbling, and turning over in my brain and I realized on this blog I have never answered that question. I have a need to answer that question now because many people say they have been "hurt by the church". The other morning as I wrote my post on touching an Idol, I realized people no longer tolerate good solid biblical teaching nor do many want it. I've witnessed first hand that people get very uncomfortable around an uncompromising message that pushes the believer to take a stand and to take action. The Christian world is now full of this watered down gospel that is politically correct, doesn't address sin, or encourage holiness, but preaches this "gospel" of love everyone and be tolerant of sin and many so called "believers" whine and cry, like a baby with a soiled diaper that they've been "hurt by the church" because someone said something they didn't want to hear! Solid biblical teachers get this label of being hateful, and are often called Pharisees for preaching the truth of Scripture.
So let's address that question. What is NOT classified as Spiritual Abuse?
The simple answer is church discipline. What is church discipline? Church discipline is where a person in spiritual authority will address sin in someone's life like in Matthew 18:15-18. We are to go to our brothers and sisters in Christ first privately, and then take two or three witnesses, then address it to the whole church if the brother doesn't repent and we are to treat them like an unbeliever if they do not repent and honestly, according to 1 Corinthians 5, not have fellowship with them. So we are talking about unrepentant sin here. Not some type of offense of carpet color swatches in the church or whether the AC is set too high or low. We aren't talking about some petty offense, we are talking about is your brother or sister in Christ in adultery, or involved in drugs, or drunkenness, or abusing their children or spouse, or being involved in sexual sin of any kind outside of marriage between a man and a woman! I have come to realize that some people leave the church in offense over petty things and some people leave the church because someone cared enough to say something about the dangers of the sin they were involved in.
Ezekiel 33-1-6 talks about the watchman on the wall, and if the watchman sees the encroaching army ready to destroy his city and he sounds the trumpet to warn the people and no one responds, then the watchman is absolved of any guilt; the blood of the people is upon their own heads! Now, if the watchman sees the army, does nothing, and says nothing and the people die, then the watchman is guilty of the deaths of every living soul that was slaughtered. They never stood a chance because they didn't know.
Teachers and Preachers are the watchman standing upon the city wall. Your friends should be a watchman in your life as well. If they love you and care for you, would they not pull you back, yanking you away from a precipice that you were about to stumble and plummet to your death?
Romans 6:23 says: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, just focusing on that first part "the wages of sin of death". If you work for Sin, the payment is death. You will experience death in all your relationships. If you don't believe this is true, then take a few minutes and ask the spouse or child of an alcoholic and ask them if they have a loving, beneficial relationship with their alcoholic spouse or parent. That sin of drunkenness robbed them of a life giving, beneficial relationship and you won't find a person alive that says that sin didn't pay with a slow, agonizing death because that person was a slave to it's master, drunkenness. It not only kills relationships, but it kills the host as well!
I tell my kids all the time that sin, unrepentant sin, is a slow death to every relationship in your life. I watched it kill my first marriage with his porn addiction and his drunkenness. His relationship with me ended and his relationship with his children is shallow at best! His continued service to his Sins, produced all manner of death, in the form of more sin, abuse, adultery and addiction.
So back on task. So if I'm a watchman, a friend, a person in relationship, or even in some type of authority in your life and I say to you, "my friend, my brother, I see that this sin in your life is going to cause calamity, and I see the cliff that you are heading towards and I'm warning you, my dear friend that disaster is imminent" and you turn your back on me in favor of your sin, in complete rebellion, what I did for you was not spiritual abuse, but a loving act of kindness. I cared enough for you, to warn you and to keep you from harms way. This is love, especially if I risk not having relationship with you by telling you the truth! Then scripture calls us to cut fellowship, as hard as that is for us to do if we walk in obedience. More often than not though, the unrepentant brother will leave the church in offense claiming he or she was spiritually abused or "hurt by the church".
Are you that brother or sister who left in offense because someone confronted your sin?
I honestly can say that I did not leave any church because I was confronted with my sin and unrepentant. This is a question we have to ask ourselves when we talk about "church hurt". Was I in unrepentant sin, or did I leave because of real abuse?
Just so there's clarity, there was a "church discipline" meeting with the leaders of my old church and my husband concerning me, and I'm certain the leaders felt justified in their attack, but it wasn't done biblically and there were no witnesses either, just false accusations. We tried to bring correction and discipline numerous times to the leadership of that church with witnesses and I did go to them numerous times personally, but nothing was ever done about and they were unrepentant. Many of us did. There were emails that bore testimony, text messages, eye witness personal accounts and yet all of it was dismissed. The only thing left was to bring it forth in front of the congregation which none of us who left had opportunity to do.
One thing I know for sure, is there can be no reconciliation without repentance. We can't even be reconciled to God without repentance and a true believer's life is characterized by that of repentance. We cannot have salvation without repentance.
Church discipline is meant to bring about repentance and reconciliation and the whole reason it's brought before the church is so that the person can fully see the weight of that lost fellowship with not only God, but with their brothers and sisters in Christ. It should tear at their hearts and in an abuse situation church discipline isn't about love, but control and that is truly how you see the difference.
I'll end with this: There was a woman, in an abusive church, who was getting bogged down with all the many responsibilities the church had weighted her down with. She was being abused and taken advantage of by the ministry director she was under and this man spoke to her regularly with disdain and insisted she be there, rain or shine, sickness or health, and even putting her family's well being aside to do this person's will. She was a very useful and knowledgeable person in this ministry, but she wasn't the only one who could do the task; she was just the most pliable. So tiring of the abuse, lies and manipulation under the hand of this director, she went to the Pastor's wife and said that wanted to step down from doing that ministry for a while as she was burnt out. The Pastor's wife told her she was in sin for stepping down and the "Lord" had told her so. There was no sin in this woman. What was Sin was the Pastor's wife manipulating and using witchcraft and false prophecy to control this woman and force her will upon another. The woman was so defeated that she went back to doing the very ministry she was tired from, even more burdened, now believing she was under the yoke of sin, if she didn't do it because someone lied and said "God said" when He never said. She is now more burdened than she was prior, and is now in bondage to a works based salvation. She must keep participating in this ministry or risk "being in sin".
That story is spiritual abuse. In both my case and the case of this other women, a false form of church discipline was used as a form of control.
Discern though rightly, whether someone is coming to you in love because you are involved in a sinful lifestyle, or whether this is abusive control? Not every correction or confrontation in the church is spiritual abuse.
So let's address that question. What is NOT classified as Spiritual Abuse?
The simple answer is church discipline. What is church discipline? Church discipline is where a person in spiritual authority will address sin in someone's life like in Matthew 18:15-18. We are to go to our brothers and sisters in Christ first privately, and then take two or three witnesses, then address it to the whole church if the brother doesn't repent and we are to treat them like an unbeliever if they do not repent and honestly, according to 1 Corinthians 5, not have fellowship with them. So we are talking about unrepentant sin here. Not some type of offense of carpet color swatches in the church or whether the AC is set too high or low. We aren't talking about some petty offense, we are talking about is your brother or sister in Christ in adultery, or involved in drugs, or drunkenness, or abusing their children or spouse, or being involved in sexual sin of any kind outside of marriage between a man and a woman! I have come to realize that some people leave the church in offense over petty things and some people leave the church because someone cared enough to say something about the dangers of the sin they were involved in.
Ezekiel 33-1-6 talks about the watchman on the wall, and if the watchman sees the encroaching army ready to destroy his city and he sounds the trumpet to warn the people and no one responds, then the watchman is absolved of any guilt; the blood of the people is upon their own heads! Now, if the watchman sees the army, does nothing, and says nothing and the people die, then the watchman is guilty of the deaths of every living soul that was slaughtered. They never stood a chance because they didn't know.
Teachers and Preachers are the watchman standing upon the city wall. Your friends should be a watchman in your life as well. If they love you and care for you, would they not pull you back, yanking you away from a precipice that you were about to stumble and plummet to your death?
Romans 6:23 says: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So, just focusing on that first part "the wages of sin of death". If you work for Sin, the payment is death. You will experience death in all your relationships. If you don't believe this is true, then take a few minutes and ask the spouse or child of an alcoholic and ask them if they have a loving, beneficial relationship with their alcoholic spouse or parent. That sin of drunkenness robbed them of a life giving, beneficial relationship and you won't find a person alive that says that sin didn't pay with a slow, agonizing death because that person was a slave to it's master, drunkenness. It not only kills relationships, but it kills the host as well!
I tell my kids all the time that sin, unrepentant sin, is a slow death to every relationship in your life. I watched it kill my first marriage with his porn addiction and his drunkenness. His relationship with me ended and his relationship with his children is shallow at best! His continued service to his Sins, produced all manner of death, in the form of more sin, abuse, adultery and addiction.
So back on task. So if I'm a watchman, a friend, a person in relationship, or even in some type of authority in your life and I say to you, "my friend, my brother, I see that this sin in your life is going to cause calamity, and I see the cliff that you are heading towards and I'm warning you, my dear friend that disaster is imminent" and you turn your back on me in favor of your sin, in complete rebellion, what I did for you was not spiritual abuse, but a loving act of kindness. I cared enough for you, to warn you and to keep you from harms way. This is love, especially if I risk not having relationship with you by telling you the truth! Then scripture calls us to cut fellowship, as hard as that is for us to do if we walk in obedience. More often than not though, the unrepentant brother will leave the church in offense claiming he or she was spiritually abused or "hurt by the church".
Are you that brother or sister who left in offense because someone confronted your sin?
I honestly can say that I did not leave any church because I was confronted with my sin and unrepentant. This is a question we have to ask ourselves when we talk about "church hurt". Was I in unrepentant sin, or did I leave because of real abuse?
Just so there's clarity, there was a "church discipline" meeting with the leaders of my old church and my husband concerning me, and I'm certain the leaders felt justified in their attack, but it wasn't done biblically and there were no witnesses either, just false accusations. We tried to bring correction and discipline numerous times to the leadership of that church with witnesses and I did go to them numerous times personally, but nothing was ever done about and they were unrepentant. Many of us did. There were emails that bore testimony, text messages, eye witness personal accounts and yet all of it was dismissed. The only thing left was to bring it forth in front of the congregation which none of us who left had opportunity to do.
One thing I know for sure, is there can be no reconciliation without repentance. We can't even be reconciled to God without repentance and a true believer's life is characterized by that of repentance. We cannot have salvation without repentance.
Church discipline is meant to bring about repentance and reconciliation and the whole reason it's brought before the church is so that the person can fully see the weight of that lost fellowship with not only God, but with their brothers and sisters in Christ. It should tear at their hearts and in an abuse situation church discipline isn't about love, but control and that is truly how you see the difference.
I'll end with this: There was a woman, in an abusive church, who was getting bogged down with all the many responsibilities the church had weighted her down with. She was being abused and taken advantage of by the ministry director she was under and this man spoke to her regularly with disdain and insisted she be there, rain or shine, sickness or health, and even putting her family's well being aside to do this person's will. She was a very useful and knowledgeable person in this ministry, but she wasn't the only one who could do the task; she was just the most pliable. So tiring of the abuse, lies and manipulation under the hand of this director, she went to the Pastor's wife and said that wanted to step down from doing that ministry for a while as she was burnt out. The Pastor's wife told her she was in sin for stepping down and the "Lord" had told her so. There was no sin in this woman. What was Sin was the Pastor's wife manipulating and using witchcraft and false prophecy to control this woman and force her will upon another. The woman was so defeated that she went back to doing the very ministry she was tired from, even more burdened, now believing she was under the yoke of sin, if she didn't do it because someone lied and said "God said" when He never said. She is now more burdened than she was prior, and is now in bondage to a works based salvation. She must keep participating in this ministry or risk "being in sin".
That story is spiritual abuse. In both my case and the case of this other women, a false form of church discipline was used as a form of control.
Discern though rightly, whether someone is coming to you in love because you are involved in a sinful lifestyle, or whether this is abusive control? Not every correction or confrontation in the church is spiritual abuse.
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